


Heaven before all hell breaks lose

by Depressedtomato



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Accidental Slow Burn, Character Death, Child Abuse, Established Relationship, Haley dies, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Minor Original Character(s), Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Slow Burn, aaron hotcher is fucked in the head, he can't catch a break, its pretty much an abuse AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:41:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27329707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Depressedtomato/pseuds/Depressedtomato
Summary: Aaron Hotchner will never escape the abuse he has suffered until he realises he is being abused
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Haley Hotchner, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Comments: 95
Kudos: 149





	1. The second first time

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first ever real fic so be kind but comments are welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His favourite mug gets broken when a night out goes sour.

Aaron had always known that Haley shouts and screams when she is mad, she always had, ever since they first met over 5 years ago but tonight it was different.  
He had a buzzcut, his father shaving it the night before he started as a junior. Aaron had grown it far too long over the summer. He turned up looking like a child convict, a large black bruise peeking out of the top of his dingy grey jumper, as he stared at the floor but he had promised himself that he was going to study well this year, not miss any school, he really wanted to make his father proud. He still remembered walking through the wrong door,he was looking for his music class. Ducking into the theatre he saw her there, long blonde hair and a huge, infectious grin. Suddenly he wasn't studying for his father, he was studying for the mystery girl, so perfect and smart. He had barely spoken to her through the whole of the production but she seemed so sweet. 5 years later he stood, studying law, married to his mystery girl in their first ever home. It was a tiny flat in grotty Seattle district but it was home and as soon as Aaron got a degree he would be able to get a full time job and they could afford a nicer place and maybe a honeymoon.  
He doesn't remember the first time someone hit him but by the time Haley first slaps him across the face in their bedroom he knows that it's no good fighting back.  
He stands in the mouldy corner, shoulders slumped, suddenly so much smaller than the woman in front of him and tries not to cry, he’s no pansy. He was expecting the screaming, she always just screams at him, tells him that they never should have met, how she took him in and cared for him and how much she regrets it but she had never hit him, that's what his father did but Haley isn't like that. She wasn't until that night.  
His cheek stings and he could feel blood from where one of her nails dug in. His eyes wide with shock, he hadn't been hit for months, since the summer when he left. A small little cry breaks from his lips, the shock forcing it out. He sure hoped it wouldn't bleed much more, explaining away a cut and a bruise is harder when they are together. Haley was so close, hands shoved to his chest as she screamed. Hotch knew it was his fault, it was him who had chosen the bar, one of his friends who had made the joke about Haley sleeping around and it was him who had laughed, he knew he deserved this.  
Haley was much louder than his father. By now he wouldn't be able to stand if it was his father he had disrespected. Haley's hands pushed him hard, the wardrobe handles digging deeper into his back, his shoulder blades aching with the pressure but that was the least of his worries, as he started processing the words coming out of his wife’s mouth.  
“Are you even listening to me? You are fucking useless”.  
Hotch didn't know when he had closed his eyes but he must of because he didn't even realised that Haley had grabbed his favourite coffee mug until it collided with his head.The remains of his evening coffee splashing over his face and porcelain catching in his hair, cutting hundreds of tiny scratches into his forehead. The force brought him to his knees. He remembered his mother buying him the mug, a silly little thing as he the only hot drink he liked was hot chocolate, it had chipped over the years but it was always there in the back of the cupboard. A small painting of a dog and cat dancing on it. His mum would always make him a cup of hot chocolate, or coffee and let the tears fall, sometimes it was the only thing that would get him through the beatings, the knowledge that when it was all over and the house was silent his mum would bring him a small drink and bandage his cuts, neither talking about the fresh cuts or how he couldn't sit. The only reason it was out was because it was the only mug clean. The washing up was another thing he realised he should have done. He really wished it was any other mug that had been smashed but he knew he deserved it.  
“Listen. To. Me”  
The voice pulled him out of his mind, the voice harsh, fury laced throughout, each word more and more aggressive, her breath sweet with the smell of alcohol but her eyes sober and venomous .  
Aaron only had the strength to weakly nod, he could taste the bitterness of acid at the back of his throat. Throwing up would only make this ten times worse and he couldn't run to the bathroom so he swallowed it back. He could now feel the tears falling, quickly turning into sobs at Haley's feet. His head was pounding as he tried to concentrate on the whirlwind of words leaving her mouth, all truths. He had failed, failed as a brother, a son, a husband, he was sure to fail at being a lawyer but he wants to try, he wants to be better husband, he loves Haley even though he forgot the dishes and laughed at the wrong joke and even though his behaviour lead to him breaking his favourite mug, if he wasn't such a burden he knew Haley wouldn't of needed to break it, she is just helping him. Finally it's over, Haley tells him to get up and she heads to the bathroom to get ready for bed. He knows to tidy up even without her speaking, that's always what father expected and that's what always happens, even though with him it is more about cleaning up blood and making sure bones aren't broken, Haley doesn't want to come out of the bathroom and still find china on the floor. Quickly he grabs the kitchen bin, picking up any pieces left on the floor, he wouldn't want Haley to hurt herself.  
As he finally finishes clearing up the floor, running a wet cloth over to pick up any blood, Haley walks back in and into bed, not even looking at her husband carefully inspecting the floor, bloody hand clutching a tissue. As Aaron stands he takes a deep breath, knowing it's a risk and speaks, his voice shaky.  
“ I'm so sorry, I love you”  
He cleans up his face, already seeing a deep bruise forming over his cheek bone and a few cuts but he can blame it on a weekend bike ride if he is careful and nothing needs stitches, Haley isn't as strong as his father but the words rattle round his brain as he robotically dresses for bed, deciding the sofa is a safe bet for tonight. His father rarely spoke, it was all about the pain, the blows, how many bones got broken and when would he break and beg for it to stop. Aaron knew bones could be fixed and scars faded, but he could never get the voice of Haley Hotchner saying she wishes he was dead out of his mind.  
……..  
As early morning rises he starts cooking breakfast, a proper sorry for his behaviour last night, a way to put it behind them. People used to laugh when they realised he could cook, he actually quite enjoyed it, even if he had a swollen eye, a bacon omelette sounded good with fresh coffee. As he was plating up and making the coffee just how Haley liked it, one sugar and plenty milk she poked her head round the kitchen door, sleep still in the corner of her eyes, clearly roused by sounds and smells of breakfast. He hoped it was ok, a good enough apology breakfast.  
“Good morning sweetie, are we in a nicer mood today?” she asked, a slight hint of jokiness in there but he knew to take it seriously.  
“ Yes, I'm sorry for my behaviour last night, I hope this makes it up”, a shaky smile forming, he brought the two dishes and drinks over to the small table, staring out into the concrete abyss of local Seattle and kissed the head of his beautiful wife.  
Just hoping she will forgive him.


	2. A new promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron thinks about that night and how to balance his life.

Aaron's hands shook, he knew it was late, too late. He knew he should have rang, Haley wasn't expecting him for dinner but it was past midnight and his legs dragged as he carried his books up the stairs. First year law exams were coming up, he had passed LSATs with a 179 but moving out to Seattle, studying full time and working weekends and Haley working all week the strain was showing. Finally he stood outside the door rummaging for his house keys, his eyes bleary from exhaustion, he had been writing essays till the early hours every night for a week instead of heading to bed and was now behind on his reading but the need for sleep was too much. Finally he stumbled through the door dumping his books in the hallway and taking his shoes off at the door, no need to wake Haley, or the neighbours. Slowly he made his way to the bathroom and stripped down, filling the sink with hot water. He looked up at his reflection. The dark bags under his eyes were getting worse and he knew he needed to at least try and sleep tonight. He was breaking out which he hadn't done since he left home, red and yellow spots forming all over his face, probably from stress. He quickly washed, not daring to turn the shower on so late even though his body craved the steam, Haley had to be up early to help set up a classroom.  
Since that night every time he fell asleep he could feel the mug hitting his head again, he could hear the handle fall to floor and taste the acid at the back of his throat and feel the tears welling in his eyes, he knew that wasn't the real Haley, she was drunk and mad and he was being vile with the guys he met. He couldn't even remember their names now, he hadn't been out since, it hadn't been good for him and he needed to study.  
The bar had been dark, nirvana playing over the speakers, Haley had dragged him out when he said who he had met two guys in the library who had invited him out for a drink. As they sat in a dingy corner, empty drinks on the table as Haley ordered more at the bar, the larger of the two spoke up.  
“ So how did you catch her?” nodding suggestively at Haley, long blonde hair flowing down her back, her skirt riding up as the lent over, trying to catch the barman's attention.  
Apparently, a high school play wasn't the sort of gossip that these two men wanted, the story lacking gory sex details and instead involving multi year pinning ending in a wedding even when the man asked. As Haley walked back over, easily carrying the four drinks and twisted back into the bench, the shorter of the two jokingly asked  
“Hey Haley, your sweet husband here mentioned that you are like a hooker in bed” winking heavily at the pair. The mere idea sent Aaron into a fit of giggles, but Haley without the earlier questioning took it the wrong way. Soon he was being pulled out the bar and shouted at as they walked the few blocks home. He knew it wasn't her fault, a simple misunderstanding and a bad taste joke led to an argument that shouldn't have even happened.  
Finally he stopped staring himself down and grabbed an old T-shirt of Seans and walked into the bedroom. He used to be larger than Sean, he was still a few inches taller but he was now a skinnier, losing the weight he gained from his degree back home. Only Haley had noticed and she liked him getting toner, he had been getting fat over the summer when he was back home, so he had kept it off when he started losing it. The blanket warmed him as he crept into bed, Hailey’s deep breaths comforting him, he hadn't realised he was shaking until he felt the warm leg of his love on his, quickly becoming lost to a world of dreams.  
His fingers grasped at the sheet above him, yanking it off his sweating body, the room was dimly lit, street lights blaring through a gap in the curtains, the horizon slowly turning lighter. Aaron’s eyes darted around the room relieved, he was home, just him and Haley. Slowly he stood making his way to the kitchen but everywhere he looked he was sure his father was there, the feeling of panic not leaving even as he sat watching the sunrise with books on environmental law spread in front of him.  
He knew the memories were burned into his brain but normally he could keep them in a little box, rarely opened and never shared but tonight he could hear his father's voice mocking him as he worked.  
He could feel the heat of his breath on the back of his neck, smelling of bitter coffee and cigarettes, feel the ironclad grip on his arm, so much stronger than Hotch had ever been living at home, the way his fingers dug in, each one leaving slightly darker marks were they bruised him. Hotch rationally knew his father wasn't here but he still rubbed his arms, checking they weren't bruised.  
He tried to force himself to study, take in the words on the page before him, even trying to read them allowed, he stopped when he recognized the deep guttural voice from his childhood. He could hear the words that would have been spoken if his father was in the room.  
“ Why are you even here? Do you not realise what strain you are putting on Haley? You certainly won't pass, you don't work hard enough, you never do” his father had always been strict, but often he was right, he was putting too much on Haley, she was working full time and didn't need to come home to an empty house each day, it was the only reason she snapped all those weeks ago.  
As the clock hit 5am he realised there was no chance for anymore sleep and brewed some coffee and put some washing on, not caring that he was in the laundry room in star wars joggers and an old redskins t shirt, he doubted anyone else washed clothes this early.  
As the hot water ran down back he tried to recall the key facts of the case studies he was going over for the last hour and the holdings they had, realising that reading them over one more time before class would not be a bad idea when all that came to mind was scenes from legally blonde and a mild feeling of dread for exams.  
When 30 minutes later he woke Haley with coffee and she grabbed him into a long kiss it was just the thing to cast any bad dreams and worries out of his mind, he was still doing this for his mystery girl and he was going to remind her how much she mattered to him.  
Her warm finger ran over a small scar just under his eye, the only physical reminder left of their fight and soon that would be gone. Aaron placed the hand back on the blanket, not letting go.  
“I’m so sorry about that night” the words, still slurred from sleep, had been repeated each time they had spoken for the last few weeks. Hotch had long rationalised it as an act of anger that would never happen again enforced by Haley promising that she would never actually hurt him.  
Soon they both headed for the kitchen, Haley grabbing some toast as he started tidying away his books and washing up the few dishes they had made. With his hands deep in a bowl of soapy water, nightmares and kisses still floating through his head Aaron Hotchner made himself a promise, a promise he wanted and was going to keep.  
“Haley Ann Hotchner, I promise that I am going to start giving you the love you deserve, I'm going to wake you with love and send you to bed knowing I want to be next to you every night.” He whispered it under his breath as he washed up and cleaned the bathrooms, as he kissed her goodbye and as he caught the bus into campus.  
He wanted to believe a promise would fix the crack that had formed, stop it from growing.  
He wanted to believe that it his fault, the argument was all him, his stupid boyish behaviour and his lack of love, he wanted to believe that he wasn't having nightmares again because of her and he wanted to believe he wasn't really scared, so he did. Aaron Hotchner forced himself to believe his own lies before he could see the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the support! its only been a few days but the comments left really made my heart melt.  
> I really hate this chapter but I'm just going to upload it and then go to bed before I rewrite it again. like before, comments and criticism is welcome but try to be nice about it.


	3. A broken dish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When illness takes over Aaron has two very bad days

Aaron sat in a large lecture hall surrounded by hundreds of others all silent as the minutes ticked by. His arm ached as he came closer to the end, only 10 minutes left as he wrapped up the end of the final question. All day he had known he was coming down with something, his whole body ached and he could feel a migraine forming but there was no way he could miss his exams so he had dragged himself up, taken a few to many painkillers and dealt with it but as he finally let out a sigh of relief, writing his final words, he realised how much worse he was. He had been pushing the pain away while he was working, barely processing how much his head hurt, a constant pounding that hasn't stopped since last night and how much he was shaking. He hadn't had time to be ill, he needed to focus on the papers but now as they were all done he finally became enveloped in the pain. He wished he could use these final minutes to check over his answers, make final changes but he had lost the will, he just wanted to be at home and get better so he slowly sank into his chair and waited for it to be called. Finally the papers were collected and people started hurrying out, a spark of joy that exams were over radiating between them.  
As he stood the world spun around him, his legs barely holding his weight. He had barely slept the last few nights, tossing and turning with worry and the constant fatigue was normal at this point but it wasn't helping. He stumbled down the stairs, grasping onto the railings with sweaty hands looking for anything to keep him upright. Finally he got outside, the humid summer air hitting his face making his head pound even more and his eyes ache with the head splitting sun shining directly onto his face. Slowly he stumbled towards the nearest bench and collapsed, his head resting between his legs before the vertigo took over again. He knew he needed to get home, it was coming up to 5 and Haley was expecting him home after a full day of exams but all the energy had been drained out of him and even walking the few minutes to the bus stop seemed impossible. He could always ring her and ask to be picked up but it seemed so weak, he knew it was just a bug and it would pass with some bed rest and he didn't need to be babied. He had survived most of the day he could get home without Haley. Taking a deep breath he opened his eyes, blinking back the tears from the head splitting headache which had returned with vengeance. He stumbled to his feet trying to drag himself down towards the nearest bus stop just outside the plaza, he didn't process someone shouting his name until a gentle hand rested on his shoulder. Normally he would have shaken it off, he had never been very keen on people touching him but he was too tired to care.  
“ Aaron! Aaron are you ok? You look like death” it was a woman's voice, he struggled to lift his head enough to look at her but caught a glimpse of thick black braids. She was one of the teaching assistants, she helped out his study group with a bit on international law.  
“ It’s Hayden, you need to get home, come on I'll take you” before he could object he was being half carried half dragged towards a tiny French car and sat down. He remembered now, Hayden was nice, she helped him out a fair bit when he was struggling near Christmas and gave him lifts back from study groups. He hadn't told Haley he had been alone with Hayden, actually he had not spoken of her at all. The cool air in the car was a relief as he rested his head back against the coarse fabric. Sweat was pouring out of him but he didn't seem to notice as he drifted into a turbulent dream.  
It felt seconds later when a light tapping on his shoulder woke him and Hayden asked which flat he lived in, insisting on helping him in.  
“Its fine” Aaron muttered, head pounding slightly less after a nap, he knew Haley wouldn't be super happy he coming home ill, possibly giving her the bug and even less happy if he was carried in by a very attractive older women. Slowly he got up, opened the door and stumbled out, but the Hayden followed him. After the 5th attempt at the door pin, his shaky hands making it impossible to press the tiny buttons she took over, pressing each button after he stuttered it, his body leaning more and more against the wall. After the door finally opened she dragged him into the lift, her hand out for his keys, he knew he was going to get shit when he got in but he was too tired to care anymore. Finally he stumbled through the door, the keys planted firmly in his hand, his head now back to its earlier pain, his eyes screaming to be closed as walked straight into Haley who’s eyes were firmly planted on the woman outside the door.  
“I’m sorry” were the only words to come out of his mouth, before he made a desperate run to the bathroom, only getting a few steps before falling onto the floor and throwing up the minimal contents of his stomach.  
****  
Aaron had a night full of fever dreams and nightmares interrupted by delirious bathroom trips and drinking stale water. When finally he woke up fully he felt much better, his head still banging but his vision was steady and it no longer hurt to be in a light room, his stomach ached but more from hunger than pain and his fever seemed to have broken as the sheet surrounding him was soaked in sweat.  
Slowly he got up realising that it was late, the only sound was the hum of the freezer in the kitchen, and there was no sign of Haley. He tried to remember yesterday but the further he got into the day the less he could remember, he knew he finished his exams and he got in a car but he couldn't remember who’s and the vague taste of acid still lingered in his mouth. He grabbed a fresh towel and some lazy clothes and headed into the bathroom, his eyes catching on the bedside table, it was nearly half past 4, he had been sleeping for about 11 hours straight and still the exhaustion seemed bone deep. The hot water and steam relaxed the aches he hadn't even noticed, washing the dirt out of all his pores and waking him up a little. He was feeling a little better but his head still ached and he was sure he was going to slip if he didnt lean on the shower wall. It was probably just not getting enough sleep that opened him up to such a horrible bug.  
When Haley walked through the door about 45 minutes later, Aaron was expecting his smiling wife, happy to see he wasn't still bed bound and had started on some chicken for dinner but instead she barely noticed him and didn't even look his way. The angry energy she radiated was all engulfing, smothering any feeling of happiness in the room. Aaron racked his brain for things he had done wrong, the house was tidy, the windows open and he didn't think he did anything wrong last night, not that he could remember much. Slowly he approached her, gently reaching out to ask her what was wrong but she stalked away. He silently made dinner, tiredness creeping up on him even though he had barely been awake an hour, just wanting to know what he did wrong.  
Silently they ate, Aaron tried not to panic but the longer he waited for a reply the more he shook. Halsey only went silent when she was furious but aaron barely remembered the night before, it was all a blur so he didn't know what he did wrong and a vague apology never passed with haley.  
“Please sweetie, just tell me what I did so I can fix it”, is voice horse from lack of use, he was almost in tears, so tired and worried and ill, just wanting everything to be alright. His father's voice came into his head, reminding him of how winy and small he sounded, not like a man he wanted to be.  
Finally Haley stopped glaring at him, grabbing the bowls that Aaron should've cleared and turned away from him.  
“Who was that girl?”  
Confusion covered Aaron’s face as he scoured his memories for a women, only remembering leaning on someone as he opened the door, probably his women. Haley took the silence as indication of guilt instead of confusion.  
“ did you fuck her?” Aaron knew that answer off the bat, he would never touch someone else, this person probably just helped him up the stairs, he was pretty ill.  
“ it was just someone helping me get home, that's all, I wasn't well”, he sounded winy, like a little kid with a cold, not a wannabe lawyer.  
The questions went on and on, getting louder and louder as his headache grew. He knew he hadn't done anything bad but he had no evidence, he couldn't remember anything about how he got home or the women who carried him. He hasn't got a case and the evidence, even if it was circumstantial, was mounting.  
“ So you just somehow got into this car, with a woman you don't know the name of, who knew where you lived and she carried you in while you slobbered on her and then you forgot all about it by morning?”  
He didn't know what to say, he could only dig himself into a deeper hole, he wished he wasn't crying but the tears wouldn't stop as they rolled into his chapped lips, he felt like a little boy shouted out by a teacher. All he wanted was to disappear or at least for Haley to stop shouting, everything was too bright, too nosy and too much to deal with. It was the best he could do to wipe away his silent tears and make sure he didn't make any noise.  
Slowly Aarons mind tuned back in, noticing the clinking of dishes and the empty table he was still sitting at, he tried to not shake as he made his way into the tiny kitchen and started wiping the sides and drying dishes, an argument was no reason to not help out. He had to lean against the worktop to stay upright, he definitely had an ear infection, he could barely stand, as he slowly dried every inch of the pan in front of him. Haley hadn't noticed the tears rolling down his face or how much Aaron shook as he went to pick up the next plate but she definitely noticed when Aarons hand slipped on the plate and it smashed onto the floor. There was a second of silence before Aaron wiped his eyes and dropped to the floor, trying to pick up the pieces quickly, hoping that would make it better. Before Aaron had even grabbed the bin a searing pain knocked him onto his side into the cabinet, he could feel Haley's small hands shoving him again and again, luckily she wasn't that strong, he could stop her if really wanted to but what would be the point? He deserved this.  
Haley's hands were still wet from the washing up when she forced his head into the cupboard, holding his head up as it lolled on his neck and his eyes glassed over. Screaming profanities, she didn't seem to care about the wide eyed horror in Aarons face, his shuddering breaths or how he looked much more like a young boy than a married man, laying in the corner trying to get from Haley's reach, bloody hands grasping at hers.  
He was no longer in his tiny Seattle kitchen as his wife screamed at him, he was the young boy who had disobeyed his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I quite like this chapter but please tell me if you don't. I've just finished this and quickly edited and I'm kind of drunk so it might actually be a load of rubbish but ehh.  
> I would say it gets better soon but it really doesn't improve for Hotch for a good few chapters yet, im aiming for about 15 but we will see.  
> also Broken by walkthepathofdaydreams is what inspired this so give that a read if you want


	4. Heads, hands and bottoms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Aaron lay on the kitchen floor old memories floated to the surface and apologies were given 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING  
> THIS CHAPTER IS HAS VERY GRAPHIC PARTS INCLUDING A VIOLENCE ON A YOUNG CHILD, HOMOPHOBIC SLURS AND BLOOD. PLEASE DONT READ IF THIS UPSETS YOU.

He remembered sitting silently on the kitchen chair waiting for his father to say something, his feet dangling off the hard wooden seat as he stared down, refusing to make eye contact with the man in front of him. This was the first time he was in real trouble, the sort that leads to phone calls home. He had hit another boy at school, he was mad when the boy stole the last football so he pushed him. Aaron knew he shouldn't of but he wanted it and Sean always stole his stuff too. When the teachers pulled them apart the boy had a bloody lip and Aaron had the beginning of bruises all over his face, by the time both of the boys sat in front of the principal Aaron had a black eye and the outline of a fist on his jaw.  
Aaron sat staring at the lino floor while his father worked out what to do with him, he tried to not think about how disappointed his mother had looked when he got home. Finally after the silence had stewed long enough and his father had taken off his jacket and tie he said the first thing he had said to him all evening.  
"Strip everything but your T-shirt" his voice steady as he tried to control his anger. His face was firm, no emotion showing through, except for the tightness of his jaw, and the burning in his eyes.  
Aaron slowly stood at and removed his faded jeans and Spiderman underwear and socks, trying to not panic. He was expecting a lecture and being grounded, that's what normal kids got, not this. He stood on the cold kitchen floor, his dark green T-shirt leaving him exposed as his father stepped closer to the table and slowly started clearing off the cloth. A slightly older Aaron would know this was a very bad sign but the little boy standing shivering on that October morning was just confused as his father told him to lean over the table as far as he could.  
"If you cry or move it will last longer, understand? The voice was quiet but sharp, no room for questions. Aaron nodded slowly as he turned away from his father and learnt slowly onto the cold wood. He knew his dad hated crying, only fags cried, even so when his father's belt first hit him he cried out in pain, tears springing up, he wanted to run away and hide, cudde into his mothers arms and never leave. The sharp string turned into a fiery ache, before he had even realised what was happening his father hit him again in the same spot, at the top of his legs, the same sting but the ache wasn't dull this time. He couldn't stop himself as he leaped back off the table, hands covering the delicate spot as tears fell down his face, when he saw his father looming over him he realised how much more trouble he was in. Slowly he bent back down, not speaking a word as he grabbed the collar of his top so his nails wouldn't dig in when the next hit landed. As the unmissable sound of a belt and its buckle whipped through the air Aaron tried to not to panic, it was worse than hits before but he stayed still even if he sobbed into the oak. Five more strokes and his legs gave way, crumbling under him, instead of shouting his father waited for the boy to stand up again and lean over red streaks covering his face.  
“Why do I need to do this Aaron?”, the voice was softer than earlier, the anger gone.Aaron tried not to stutter as he whispered back  
“Because I hit someone at school, I was bad”  
There was a deep sigh from above him, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.  
“ I need to do this because you don't learn”  
He wasn't sure but Aaron could almost hear the words “Just like Sean” as the belt was raised again.  
It felt like hours later even though barely 15 minutes had passed When his father was satisfied, young Aaron had learnt his lesson. His bottom covered in cuts from his father buckle, his legs a colour that outdid any school ground injury. Aaron was told to take his stuff upstairs, clean himself up and not leave his room until told.  
He spent that night lying in the corner of his room sobbing until he ran out of tears and then sobbing more as he heard dinner going on below him. The next day his mother bought him a little mug with a cat and a dog on it and hid it at the back of the cupboard.  
As he laid on the linoleum floor, not daring to look up, semantic surrounding him, his hands cut and his head pounding all he could remember was his father's words  
"You don't learn”  
*****  
When he came too Haley was finishing the washing up, carefully stepping around him as she put away the now mismatched plate and the few glasses left. She stared down at him, full of pity and anger.  
He was sure there was more washing up a minute ago, he must have passed out.  
“I'm sorry” were the only words that Aaron seemed to be able to say, his mouth dry and his head heavy as he felt the blood soaking into his top. He still didn't know how he had gotten home last night or what had happened but he knew he was sorry about it. He upset Haley, she was only mad because he made some stupid decisions, he should of looked after himself better and called Haley when he needed help and then he would probably be in bed recovering, not fixing his fuck ups.  
He got to his knees, his hands shaking as he got the bin out of the corner. Haley just stood watching him. She was glaring down at him, crawling around slowly picking up every piece of the plate on the floor before reaching for the dustpan, still chanting the apology. He couldn't stand even if he wanted to, the dizziness worse than ever and his eyes wouldn't focus on anything.  
The smell of blood thick in the air as he finally finished cleaning the floor, hesitantly wrapping kitchen paper round his hands so he didn't make more mess.  
Slowly Haley picked him up, they both knew he didn't have a chance in hell getting anywhere without spreading blood into every possible surface and breaking something else.  
“I'm so sorry I got in that car, I just wanted to get home to you, it was so stupid”. Aarons words muffled as they stumbled through the small flat, nearly walking into the bathroom door.  
Finally they landed in the bathroom. She slowly grabs one of Aaron's hands, unwrapping the crude dressing as she quietly hummed, the words unspoken but Aaron knew he was forgiven.  
“ I shouldn't have been so angry with you” the words spoken with a small smile as she started cleaning the cut with small delicate touches, scared to hurt him.  
“I just don't like the idea of you being with other women” Haley looked nauseous at the idea, her skin suddenly as pale as Aarons.  
The idea that Haley was worried anyone would even get a second glance from him seemed ridiculous, he wished she understood, he would never cheat, never look at other women like he looked at her.  
Slowly she wrapped his hands up, teasing him for cutting himself so much on just one plate and they fell into old patterns. Haley mothering Aaron like she mothered the children at school and Aaron pretending he didn't love it.  
She helped him out of his bloody clothes and made sure his head was alright before taking him to bed and instructing him to not leave until he felt better.  
Suddenly she was back to the Haley Aaron loved, caring, sweet and funny, happy to coddle him all weekend, no sign of the women who had anger and jealousy in her eyes.  
Aaron spent the weekend being fussed over and loved, by Monday morning he looked back to normal, his vision wasn't quite back to normal and he was still slightly dizzy but the doctors were expensive and he didn't know what lie they would believe so he pretended he was fine.  
He wanted to believe it was just a second one off, they had had a stressful month full of exam worries, sleepless nights and money worries, he wanted to believe exams were over and he was working the summer break so soon everything would be fixed. He convinced himself that he would never have to think about it again, he would never have to tell half truths again so people didn't get worried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was interesting to write. I realise its more graphic than earlier chapters but my brain wouldn't stop in till I made this.  
> When I started doing this I doubted anyone would read it so I'm amazed that I have little group of people who are reading it any enjoying it!  
> My home is a mess because I keep writing instead of doing adult jobs but the small stream of comments has motivated me so much to write. 
> 
> I hope I did ok, as I said I've never really written before and never anything like this so any criticism is welcome and please comment!


	5. Mr Jude, Anderson, and Mary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron gets a job and survives the summer

Aaron woke with a smile. He had known by November that just Haley working was far too tight, he had picked up old jobs in between work, mainly filing jobs for small firms and they had survived but only just. Teaching assistant pay wasn't that great and he had a loan covering tuition and he had saved money from working summers back home but that was running dry. Generally first years spend summers one unpaid work experience but that simply isn't an option so he had pretty much begged one of the law firms he did odd jobs at to take him one as an intern. The pay was shitty but it was pay and he could walk to work. It would probably be a lot of coffee runs, being moaned at and faxing files but it paid more than flipping burgers looked a lot better on his CV and would keep haley happy.  
It was still over a month till Haley's school broke up so they both dressed, hatch wearing his old prom suit, grey and slightly outdated but it was smarter than the one donated at goodwill.  
As he walked down the street, the morning sun shining in his eyes, a slight chill in the air.  
He knew he wasn't a real lawyer, still far away from being about to say that but as he walked into the small set of offices he felt the closest he had all year. 

He was right, he spent most of his summer running errands, making coffee trips, faxing paperwork, answering the phone and every once in a while getting some decent work experience. He sat in on a few cases and went to court every once in a while, even if it was just to carry the divorce papers and be a shoulder for clients to cry on when cases were hard.  
He would stumbled out of the tiny office block, behind the wearied lawyer, carrying a coffee and the files of the week, off to listen into another divorce case or adoption and take notes. Then get back and take more notes on the interview with another fretting husband hoping for custody of his kids. Then another coffee run and filing papers and running expenses. Honestly he didn't mind. The partners, Jude and Anderson resembled nicer versions of his father, tired with definite caffeine and nicotine addictions and bad taste in jokes, mainly about their wives, but they paid and didn't mock him when he tagged along and asked idotic questions. His official job role was lawyer assistant but he mostly acted as a part time secretary and a mild bother.  
They had a secretary, Mary, but she only did mornings after dropping her kids in and was better at baking than paperwork but she made cookies and made women less scared of the men upstairs so she stayed. She was sweet, in her late thirties and doted on Aaron, who looked much younger than he was and hadn’t yet gained his steel eyed glare.  
Everyone doted on him, Mr Anderson pretended he didn't but he would lose his appetite for the pastry he just ordered and give it to Aaron. Mr Jude started calling Aaron Son after it slipped out and Aaron couldn't hide his grin, even behind the mounds of paperwork. Mary would tell him he had to come to dinner sometime and bring this wife he always talked off.  
Aaron liked it, he had never really had friends, even at university it had just been him and Haley but he was cared for and loved when he was at work.  
It hasn't happened since, sure he and Haley had argued but after he got his first pay check money became less tight, he could put most of his into savings for the start of term and Haley started picking up work at summer schools when term finished which helped. Slowly life seemed to carry on, Aaron would still work late some nights but mostly he made it home for dinner and would wash up.  
Arguments didn't end in bruises, mainly just Aaron sleeping on the sofa and getting forgiven a few days later. He convinced himself he wasn't scared during their fights. Why would he be scared of her, she would never hurt anyone intentionally, his father wanted to hurt him, Haley just got annoyed and he could stop her if he wanted.  
He would just forget to do jobs or work too late and it would upset Haley, she just cared, that's why she would get mad. He would just keep quiet, talking back never worked and ride out the wave until Haley moved on.

He was glad he never had any bruises to hide, he used the wear layers when he was at school, even in the summer and just dealt with the uncomfortable moistness of being constantly hot but he could roll his sleeves up on his shirts while sat in the office and even undo his collar as he walked home without shame. He had enjoyed his privilege for years but suddenly he felt more free, he was hundreds of miles from his family and had almost survived a year without them, just him and Haley. 

Everything felt right, he was truly independent from his father, working on his dreams, finally gaining friends and he had Haley by his side. Sometimes he would call them. Use the little cream landline by the front door, chat away to his mum, just because he missed her voice but then she started talking about dad and how much she wished the two of them would visit and how Dad was getting better. Soon it became too painful. He ran up and told her he passed first year exams but quickly hung up and he hasn't rung since. He started ignoring the phone on Sundays, that's when they used to ring when he was back in college, now he spends his Sundays Hovering and reading between washing loads. 

When his final days at the job were coming to a close he finally gave in and agreed to go round . On the Friday night, after his final day of work they both got ready for the meal, Haley glued to his side. Mary had ordered the kids out of the house to sleepovers for the night so it was just the two couples, Aaron and Haley walked through downtown Seattle, the streets noisy with parties and cars driving in a rush to get to unknown places. As they finally turned into streets full of larger family homes instead of the piles of flats that they knew was home the sun started going down, colouring the sky into a beautiful pink.  
“ You promise she is just a work friend, nothing else?” Haley's voice was firm, a ting of ice floating round the edges.  
“Yes, it's nothing else, she just wants to meet you and say a proper goodbye before I leave” Aaron said as he rubbed her hand, giving her a comforting squeeze and a cheesy grin.  
“ Come on we are nearly here” he motioned as the quickened up  
Haley and Mary got on great in the end and Mary's husband, Reggie was even more devoted to Mary than Aaron to Haley, staring at her the whole night completely in love. He was a builder and the friendliest man Aaron had ever met, tall and husky with a huge laugh and adoration for his wife's cooking. They sat and discussed work and life and children and drank wine until early evening passed into night, a bottle of wine easily finished and the whiskey started.  
Aaron had never had a night like it, he had been to parties before but always felt like an outsider looking in but not that night.  
When Haley and Mary left for the kitchen to help serve out a slice of pudding, Aaron wanted to help but knew Haley wouldn't like the idea of just him and Mary alone so he sat in the living room chatting away to Reggie. Reggie listened as Aaron rambled on about life, chuckling at the story of how he met Haley and hugging him goodnight at the end of the evening which took Aaron breath away as the strong arms wrapped around his figure. Haley sat next to him laughing away at Mary's jokes and talking about kids and work.  
In the end Haley didn't even mind when Mary gave him a hug as they were leaving, he pulled away before she could kiss his cheek though.  
As they walked back hand in hand, more than tipsy from a night of drinking Aaron realised that his family was over. It was a summer job and summer was over. He had all his books ready for the new term which started Tuesday. He didn't want to do family law so he wouldn't work there next summer, so he would have no reason to see Mary or Mr Jude and Anderson again. 

A month after his first term started he did pop in again, just briefly, it was Mary's birthday that week so he bought some chocolates but really he just wanted to see them again. Mr Jude met him like a son, Mary practically begged him to come for dinner again but it felt silly. Why would they want to talk to him, he was just a bother and they didn't have to put up with him anymore.  
He felt guilty about that night but he couldn't work out why, Haley didn't tell him he did anything wrong but it felt like a rock weighed in his stomach each time he thought about that night, about Reggie and Mary and drinking a little too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter took a while, I don't particularly like this but I've got better plans waiting in the wings.  
> Thanks for reading and constructive criticism is always welcome.


	6. Christmas- part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas plans and a late night coffee trip

As Aaron walked down the dingy street, huddling into his coat, the sound of Christmas music blared from corner stores and Discmans. He wished he had worn thicker trousers, just slipping into some jeans as he rushed out to his Monday morning lecture.  
Christmas had never been very good back home. Normally children complain of parents fighting and their siblings getting better presents than them, Aaron did not complain. He never complained, he had learned not too long ago. He would spend his Christmases helping his mum cook and trying to ignore Sean mocking him for acting like a puff. When he would finally snap at Sean he would spend an evening with his father but he kept those memories locked away most of the time.  
He has been getting worse at keeping that box locked, his nightmares have started up again, he keep getting lost in memories and he had a panic attack last week. He knows he needs better control, he is going to be working with real court cases over the summer and in 18 months and hopefully he will be a prosecutor.  
All his life Aaron had hated Christmas, his dad was around more and mum was stressed trying to make Christmas perfect even though it would never be. Normally Sean would barely speak to anyone but Aaron when dad was around but he always got mouthy at Christmas, dad wouldn't punish us when other people were around. Christmas day was always so fake, mum and dad would act so in love, aunts, uncles never aware of the reason Aaron wouldn't sit properly at the table and why Sean wouldn't look people in the eye.  
The cold was bone deep by the time Aaron climbed the stairs, his footsteps echoing on the concrete and his bag slipping of his hunched shoulders as he became lost in thought.  
He remembered one Christmas, when he was about 14. His hands had been burnt on the stove, both palms blistered and raw but not enough to need the hospital, his father was careful about the hospital, never too many trips. He could barely use his hands the whole break, blisters on every finger and across his palms, large and sore and the whole of hand was hot and red, the skin slowly peeling away. He couldn't remember why he was punished but he did remember his hands being held on the stove top, dinner moments away from being served out, but he was being punished and that always meant no dinner. They were only forced onto the hot metal for a second but it was long enough to cause a scar that remained on Aaron's wrist till that day.  
As he opened the door into the flat the smell of cakes hit Aarons noise, jarring him back into the moment. Haley was never quite as good as his mother at baking but he still adored everything she made however he knew that Haley only ever baked to soften him up so she could twist his arm, normally into fixing something or even playing music. Even with the worry of whatever he was going to be manipulated into playing on his mind he slowly crept up behind her, engulfing Haley into a big bear hug. December had barely started and already Aaron just wanted Christmas over, he wanted the brash tinsel and the hideous wreath taken down, even if he had spent all weekend getting it right. He just wanted it over, but it made Haley happy so he kept his thoughts buried as he kissed his wife hello and put his coat away, slipping into some house shoes and a warmer jumper.  
Eventually it came up, they had just finished dinner, and were taking in the evening with a coffee a some freshly baked fruit cake when Haley broached the conversation.  
“ I think we should visit home this year”  
Aaron was sure his heart had stopped as he quickly swallowed his mouthful and tried to process the words that came out of his wife's mouth. His mouth dropped open and his eyes were wide with panic but Haley didn't seem to notice the terror that covered Aarons face.  
“ I haven't seen Jess for nearly 2 years and I know you miss your mum, we don't have to stay at your parents ”  
“No”, Aaron didn't even realise he had spoken until he processed his own voice.  
He could see Haley getting annoyed at him, he normally he would just go along with her plans but a wall of panic had hit him at the idea of being in that house again, he could feel bile rising and a heat itching under his skin. Haley had never gotten all the details but she had seen the bruises, seen the way he flinched when they started dating and she had heard the nightmares for years after. He wanted to run, hide away from the concept of returning and he wanted to never see that picturesque house again. All he could think about was that house, the cream kitchen tiles that were always spotless, his bedroom where he always cried and went hungry, the bathroom sink and how blood streaked on the porcelain. Aaron didn't realise how violently he was shaking until Haley grabbed his hands hard enough to pull him out of the walking nightmares, her nails digging deep, almost drawing blood by the time Aaron was aware of her grasp. He pulled away, holding his hands close to his chest, trying to stop his sob like breathing as Haley started to speak  
“Honestly Aaron you are acting like a child, ignoring me and sulking? you can't expect me to never see my family, you lived with your parents for years you can survive a week” her voice was firm and calm, like she was talking to a naughty student.  
Aaron knew she was right, he can't expect her to never see Jess or her parents again but he didn't care. He wanted to say that she could go but he wouldn't, he wanted to say that he would refuse to see his family again and that she could spend 4 days driving by herself across the country to visit but he held himself back. Instead he tried to slow his breathing, ground out the words, slowly and trying to resemble a calm person  
“I'm going for a walk, can we talk later? I can't think”, he slowly got up, trying to unclench his hands, he knew he was in dangerous waters. He never spoke back in arguments and he never walked out but he was dangerously close to a panic attack. His feet were unsteady, the walls seemed to be falling in on him as he stumbled to the door, his brain screaming to get out.  
He realised Haley was shouting at him but did not process what that meant, all he could think about was the idea of visiting home and seeing his father. Sitting eating Christmas dinner at the table he was beaten on, like he did for so many years, seeing the walls that he had been pushed into so many times, climbing the stairs that he used for so many excuses. Even the good things were tarnished by his fathers hand, he would hug his mum who had written so many P.E notes so he could hide his bruises.  
The smell of cake still lingered in the apartment, the taste of coffee still in his mouth but it no longer felt comforting, suddenly the smells overwhelmed him and the remains of coffee felt thick in his mouth, the carpet beneath his shoes grasped at his feet and the door felt miles away. He didn't care how it happened, he just needed to leave. As he finally stumbled into the door a hand span him around. Haley's hand, he had forgotten Haley was here. Her hands pinned him against the wall. He automatically reached to cover his face, body wincing in anticipated pain.  
He wasn't sure if he was scared of Haley or his father, both felt as threatening and real, he couldn't breathe but no one held his throat. Haley's hands were on his chest, grabbing hold of his shirt when he heard her words over the beating of his heart. She yanked the door unlocked, the metal chain falling to the ground as she pulled it open, forcing Aaron forward and into the concrete hallway. Stumbling into the hallway the words echoed round his head, but he didn't need to hear them to understand, he said he was going out, she said he wasn't welcome back in. Aaron understood, Haley wasn't going to let him back in tonight, which wouldn't a huge problem if he had his wallet or a jacket and it wasn't December in Seattle.  
The panic overtook him, the threat so real and present even if he couldn't work out quite what it was. his skin boiled under his jumper and his head pounded as he crumbled in on himself, falling to the ground. His teeth chattering brought him back to himself. He knew he couldn't lay on the concrete all night, his hands were numb and his bones felt like they were made of glass as he tried to cleared his head, he needed to make a plan.  
It was a good 20 minute walk to the university library on a warm day which was far too long to survive in house shoes and a jumper but it was no good standing in the corridor either, someone was soon to come home and see him lying on the floor and report him.  
He could beg to be let back in but he had a feeling that would only lead to a dry throat and furious Haley.  
He stumbled up, his legs still shaky and his heart in his ears and started walking, he had a long night ahead. He followed the street lights into the shopping end of the neighbourhood. Maybe he should have befriended the neighbours when he moved in, then he could have asked to borrow a coat for the night. He kept his eye out for anything open 24 hours, hoping he might be able to hide in a corner, keep a low profile and spend the night there. He was no longer shaking from panic but from the bitter December wind and the bite of frost in the wet air.  
His feet were soaked through and the cold was bone deep as he finally stumbled into a McDonalds, it was pretty much empty, only a few groups of teenagers snacking on fries and homeless people trying to stay out of the cold as the clock turned to 9. He rummaged through his trousers looking for any loose change, his wallet was on the bedside table but some lose change normally ratted around his pockets. He stood at the counter, counting out quarters and cents, until he scrapped up enough for a coffee. The lady at the counter gave him a look of both disgust and sorrow as he handed over the change, his face was red from the wind and his teeth shook so much he could barely speak, he knew he looked a mess, his jeans well worn and his wearing his thickest jumper, a hideous magenta cable knit thing. He carried his drink with both hands upstairs to a seat near the window and stared into the night. Slowly he warmed up, the coffee bitter and overly sweetened but Aaron was so grateful for its radiant heat. Hours passed by and people slowly came and went until it was only him and an elderly homeless man in there. He watched the floors get mopped and a layer of snow form on the sidewalk below. He still clung onto his coffee cup, long gone cold as he tried to push thoughts of going home away.  
In the back of his mind he always knew he would eventually have to return but it had felt distant, and suddenly it was real.  
He told himself he was being unfair, she just missed her family, like any normal person would, and wanted to spend Christmas with them. He replayed Haley's words over and over again, it was true, he had survived years of living with his parents and the worst part had been the endlessness of it, everyday he would have to return to that house and his father again but he was a man now, he would leave not just the house but the whole state after a week, it wouldn't be endless. The idea still made him he sick to the stomach, the idea of seeing his father again made his head pound and his heart break but he couldn't put it off forever, his and Haley's parents live in the same town, it's impossible to see one and not the other and he couldn't rip Haley away from her family just because he didn't like his own.  
Eventually the sun rose over a frost bitten Seattle. As the sky started to lighten Aaron moved from his seat for the first time in hours, his legs aching and his back crooked. He survived the night, even if his eyes were heavy and his legs stiff. He shuffled back home, all he wanted was to make up, have a shower and a nap and leave the whole night behind but he had a feeling that wouldn't happen.  
It was just coming up to 7oclock when Aaron finally stood in front of this flat door, trying to rally the nerves to knock. If he had his wits about him he would have knocked as soon as he got to the door but he had stopped his hand inches away and had been frozen in place, panicking about all the things that could go wrong. Haley might not let him in, she could shout him out of the building, kick him out for good or even call the police on him. He wasn't on the flat lease, his parents didn't know where he lived, and he didn't really have any friends so no one could confirm he lived here. Eventually he realised how stupid he looked, stuck in the moment and he knocked, the sound much stronger than he felt.  
Haley answered the door, she was dressed ready for work but her eyes were tired as she glared at him, her lips pursed, into a silent message, she didn't want him back in the house but she was taking pity on him. He wasn't wanted, Haley didn't want to see him. Before he had even opened his mouth she shot a silencing glare, grabbed her bag and left.  
All Aaron wanted to do was get in the shower and forget about the whole thing but he knew nothing good would come of waiting. He picked up the phone and called home, he was inviting himself back home for Christmas. 

It took a week for Haley to talk to him again but a small smile formed on her lips that night when Aaron told her they were going on a road trip home for Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christmas part 2 will be out in few days and then its only a few more chapter in till Hotch is at the BAU.  
> I hope you like it and please comment


	7. Christmas- part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Christmas holidays are spent at the Brook and Hotchner resistances. Fun is not quite the word to describe it

The radio blared out the news as the two travelled out the city, slowly the city turned into the suburbs and parks turned into fields. They had rented a car for the trip, they had taken the whole two weeks off to travel cross country, the car packed high with clothes and all the presents they could afford. They were going to stay at Haley's but spend Christmas dinner at the Hotchner household and Aaron had promised his mother that he wouldn't just come round for that one meal. He kind of hoped he would open the door and see Sean but realistically he knew he wouldn't, Sean had a problem when Aaron last saw him, he was either homeless or in rehab, he hoped he would know if Sean was dead but it was possible he was a John Doe in some morgue.  
Aaron drove most of the way, Haley only driving when Aaron needed to sleep. The last time they went on a road trip was when they had moved up to Seattle, they had rented a moving van and made the trip in 5 days, Haley refusing to drive something so big, the whole time the van had buzzed with energy of exploring a new place of freedom and a new start. Now the radio played continuous Christmas music as they slowly got closer and closer to home and more memories poured back.   
Both good and bad flashed before Aaron's eyes while Haley chatted away for hours, he tried to not ruin her trip but Dredd has settled at the bottom of his stomach, making eating and sleeping impossible. It was early night on the 23rd when they finally entered Virginia, only an hour away from their houses but they already felt home. Haley saw the big shopping malls she used to go to and pumpkin patches, Aaron saw the places he used to run away too and Sean's old drinking holes, before he moved onto heavier stuff. 

They were welcomed with open arms when they arrived at the Brook residence, Haley's father being the only one to not give him a tight hug, settling for a handshake but even that was warm and comforting.   
After they had settled in, closing the Virginia chill out eggnog was given and they chatted away till both Haley and Aaron had fallen asleep in front of the fire.   
Christmas eve was spent lazily in the brook household, everyone woke late and most of the day was spent playing board games, watching Christmas films and chatting away. No one wanted the day to end but no one more than Aaron who knew that when he woke on Christmas morning he was going to have to leave to see his father for the first time in years.   
Aaron tried not to think about it but as night drew in he willed himself to say up, even though he knew it would do no good.  
Eventually, as the clock struck two he crept into bed. He hadn't prayed for years but as he felt the warmth of Haley next to him and the weight of the blanket on top of him he let out a silent prayer for the morning to never come.   
They left jess and the rest of Haley's family at about 11 after opening stockings and there presents, Aaron gained a jumper and a nice tie and Haley lots of soaps and perfumes and clothes. Eventually they ended up walking through the icy snow, it was only a 10 minute walk and Aaron would definitely need to drink to get through the day so the car was left at the Brooks.   
Even though the air was bitter and snow covered the sidewalks Aaron was boiling in his coat, nervous sweat running down his back and soon he ended up carrying his coat over roasting inside.   
As soon as they turned the corner and he saw the house, 3 stories and well kept, the doors and windows a dark grey Aaron thought he might throw up, bile rose in his throat and his legs stopped working. He willed himself to look away or to run but he just stood, feet planted to the ground and stared, feeling of nausea didn't go away but soon enough Haley grabbed his hand and willed him along the road and to the door.  
The doorbell was the same, dark and metal, frost covering it. His arm felt heavy as he rang it, the frost cold on his bare hands, gloves stuck in the coat adorning his arm.   
He could hear the tell-tale noises of his mother coming to the door and he tried to paint a smile on his face but he knew he looked pained, the happiness not reaching his eyes.   
They stepped inside, hanging up coats and greeting the rest of Aaron's family, a few aunts and uncles that lived near by and didn't have plans, his father absorbed reading in the next room while Aaron gave out hugs and introduced Haley to those few relatives who were yet to meet her.   
Eventually Aaron saw his father, sat in the downstairs office reading, away from others. The room was quiet and he had rarely entered it, even as an adult but the door was ajar and he could see the table lamp on.   
“Hi Dad” he tried to be somewhat relaxed but his voice was breathy and quieter than Aaron expected, the fake smile still plastered on his face.   
His father looked up, finally seeming to come back to earth. He smiled and stood, wrapping Aaron in a one armed hug.   
“ I didn't hear you come in”, Aaron didn't mention that is was coming up noon on Christmas day and that most hosts would be out socialising with there guests. The hug was quick, effective at making Aaron's skin crawl and he started to walk into the living room, giving himself the few meters between the doors to gather himself. He knew they had done it every Christmas and thanksgiving as children but sitting down with relatives and pretending nothing was wrong seemed impossible. The idea of Haley being there offered no comfort.   
He could hear her voice merging with others in the living room as he walked in, she didn't even glance over, she probably just didn't realise he walked in. He poured himself some wine and looked for a chair. Normally he wouldn't drink but he was stressed enough after only seeing his father for a second and even though there were loads of other people he felt like he stood out, like he had done something wrong. He expected his fathers to drag him out any moment or Haley to shoot him a look and berate him to tears. He ended up sitting next to one of his aunts, Aunty V. She was a little batty and deaf in one ear and most of the family had a slight dislike for her so of course Aaron loved her company. He tried to ignore his father when he walked in about 10 minutes later, focusing entirely on his aunt's rant about dogs. He was wearing an amber jumper and some new denim jeans, the most casual he ever dressed. The room was nosy, relatives chatting over Christmas music but kept hearing his fathers voice over it all, he was holding a whiskey glass. Aarons mother had promised he had cut down on the drinking but somehow he didn't believe it.   
He wandered into the kitchen, at least it would be quieter there. He spent the next hour helping his mother cut up vegetables and listening to her worried rambles about not getting a big enough ham joint but at least he couldn't hear his fathers voice. He knew Haley would come and drag him into more conversations and he knew he couldn't avoid eating dinner with everyone but for now it felt like respite.   
Eventually after about an hour of Aaron hiding away from the rest of the guests dinner was ready. He sat down between Haley and his father. He hadn't noticed how old his father looked, creases deep beneath his eyes, his fingers were slightly shaky and his lips thinning. Aaron was aging and so was his father. He was a different man from the man who first inflected terror on this house but no less terrifying. No one could see it, the way his skin was taught, like a monster behind a skin suit. The way his mother wouldn't look him in the eye and he wondered what had happened while it had just been those two in the house. The way he subtly spoke down to everyone else at the table There were a total of 11 of them around the table, Aaron, Haley, his mother and father and 3 sets of aunts and uncles and aunty v but he spent that whole meal focused on his father and mother. This was the first time they had been in a room together and while Aarons mother had her back almost turned to him, Aarons father would often glare at the back of her head. Aaron tried to block it out, tried to engage with his aunts and make peasant conversation, including Haley and smiling at the sweet comments. Sean was brought up once, his father made a crude joke about Sean's disappearance and how he hoped his son was having fun selling his body, it was met with laughter and Aaron excusing himself to the bathroom. To everyone else Sean seemed like the black sheep, the one who ran away from a nice sweet family and always had a drug problem but Aaron knew why he did it. Aaron knew that Sean hadn't had the upbringing everyone thought he had.   
Eventually Aarons father turned to him, they had talked in larger conversations at the dinner table but now the older man's body was turning to face his son. Aaron tried to hide the shake in his body that had been growing all meal and the fact that his stomach twisted in discomfort. He had spent many years learning to mask his discomfort so he purposely relaxed his shoulders and face, creating a small smile.  
His father asked after his study, Haley and how Seattle was, nothing anyone would see as malicious but his tone was pointed, hunting for his failings, asking if they had moved into a better flat, if there finances were better and if Aaron had any plans for his summer internships. He was looking for failure quietly, not wanting other people to know of his only successful child's failings but wanting to know himself.   
Aaron gave him answers, he gave his father the answers to his questions, money was tight, especially with this journey down, they still lived in a shoddy flat, excluding a few wobbles he was succeeding in university.   
He tried to keep the answers short but friendly. He didn't really want to tell his fathers about all of his failings, but avoiding the topics seemed more daunting. Normally he could avoid any topic he didn't like, or at least brush it off but his father never liked his clever wording and quick wit even if he picked it up from him.   
Dinner ended.  
The washing up was finished.  
Haley started glaring.  
Coffee was given out.  
A game of monopoly was avoided and instead they played cards.   
Haley told him not to drink anymore.   
Drinks were passed around, Aaron had too many.  
Eventually they left. Aaron was vaguely aware that Haley was grasping onto his arm, digging her nails in, a sure sign at something was wrong. He kissed his mother goodbye and shook his fathers hand, waved goodbye to the aunts and uncles who remained and they walked into the cold night.   
Aaron could feel the alcohol pounding round his system, he drank two glasses of wine before and with dinner and whatever was passed to him after that, the cold woke him up more and made him more aware of Haley silently walking beside him.   
apologies stuck in his throat and when they came out they were slurred and landed on empty ears. Haley did not hold onto him anymore as they walked through the streets, ice covered the sidewalks and Aaron didn't know how many times he had slipped by the time they got back. Each time Haley would stop and wait for him, giving no comfort or assistance and he stumbled to his feet, then they would carry on.   
As they walked up to the door, Haley ordered him to hold into her arm, helping him up the stairs and rumbling through her bags to the key.

The next morning he awoke to a pounding head, a laughing Haley and the story of a drunk husband insisting on not getting help walking home after a few to many drinks. He laughed along, knowing it was a lie but it all led to the same injuries. A few quick trips to the toilet bowl and the purple and black bruises that covered his hips and legs, he thought he might of twisted his ankle but didn't bring it up. He declined the boxing day walk instead having a long bath, nursing both mental and physical injuries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while. Thank you to everyone commenting, Christmas is coming in full swing and my life is suddenly very busy but I will keep updating, hopefully about weekly.   
> comments and critique welcome


	8. Uncountable bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aarons last year years studying law were very different that what he expected, a lot more bruises and nightmares and less happy moments. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS:  
> THIS CHAPTER INCLUDES THE USE OF HOMOPHOBIC LANGAUGE, HOSPITAL VISTS (NOT GRAPHIC) AND PHYISCAL ABUSE

Aaron barely remembered sitting his second year exams, a blur of essays and long nights intermingled with arguments and worries over getting summer work. He sat most of the exams hunched over a desk, trying to ignore the throbbing ache from his ribs, coloured purple and black from an argument forgotten in time. Aaron wished they had enough money to allow for a hospital visit but they would probably just give him some overpriced paracetamol and send him home so he just religiously took as much pain relief as he could and dealt with the throb that didn't go away for a long while. 

It was four days after his final exam when Haley slammed Aarons hand into a closing door. Aaron just wanted some quiet, he didn't want to argue but the bathroom door was kicked into his hand. He tried to convince himself it was a genuine accident but Haley continuing to scream at him when she realised what happened made it harder. The black nails served as a reminder to Aaron all summer, of what he hadn't quite worked out. He was glad he learnt at a young age to write with his right hand as well.  
He worked the summer as an assistant in a law firm, dealing with criminal trials. The suits helped cover the cuts and bruises that marred his skin. The pay was good enough but it was the other side of the city so the bus took a chunk of his wage each month, in the end they saved enough but less than they hoped. Haley spent the summer working in a local shop, something she was very adamant was a waste of her talents. His nails hadn't grown out, each was black and had a dent across the bottom where the sharp door frame had changed it as the nail formed. He said it was an accident and used the hand even if electric pain would shoot across his hand as he bent it.  
Aaron clung to the idea that everything would calm down after he had finished exams, or after he got his first paycheck, or after he got over the busy first few weeks of 3rd year. By the time thanksgiving hit the lies about the random injuries rolled his tongue in a way they hadn't for years. He would blame the wince as he sat down on an over ambitious run and the odd bruise people saw on DIY gone wrong. No one had a reason to doubt, no one thought a competent law student wouldn't have a worrisome home life and Aaron wouldn't give them a single reason to worry. To everyone else Aaron looked like a motivated and high achieving law student, doing well in classes and happily married. He was sure many people wanted what they thought his life was.  
When she threw a glass at him on a cold winter night he just stayed silent, he knew that really Haley loved him, he just needed to get through this. He would chant in his head a mantra of love as Haley screamed insults and her nails clawed into his skin. His body was littered in the small scars of Haley. He was patterned with cuts from glass and china, yellowed bruises from fights he couldn't remember and the odd burn. Aarons realised his body was a patchwork of the last year, the faint outline of a scar on his hand that only he could see, the odd panging he had for his china mug, the undrunk alcohol in the cupboards and the small amount of damaged nail yet to grow out. No one else seemed to notice, when he and Haley were good she didn't seem to see them and he certainly tried his best to hide them from everyone else.

Aaron would spend evenings lying silently next to her in bed or on the sofa berating himself, Haley never used to be like this. When they first met Haley was sweet, popular and would never hurt a fly. He would wonder how he caused Haley to get so mad. How he had caused his wife to start hitting him. It wasn't like she was always like this, they could spend weeks as the happy young couple talking about work and studies and anything else and Aaron would start to believe it was over but soon enough they would fight again. His brain would always tell him to stop her but he couldn't bring himself to, he must have done something wrong and Haley just needed to let out her anger and then she would be fine.  
It wasn't like his father, it seemed like he took pleasure in it but Haley hated it. Each time she realised what she had done she started sobbing, apologizing and Aaron would believe her, he had clearly done something wrong again to make her so angry. He rarely through before he would mutter the soothing words and forgive her, trying to not show his pain as he held her close and comforted her. By Christmas Aaron was sure he was to blame for making Haley into something she didn't want to be.  
Aaron didn't even notice when he stopped mentioning his female classmates and lectures. He never really understood why Haley was jealous but she has always been quite protective of him and slowly he just stopped mentioning people she didn't like. He had never really hung out with women by himself and that hasn't changed since he started dating Haley. Since he got dropped off by the mystery girl over a year ago, Haley would always stiffen up at the mention of any women he didn't know. Slowly Aaron stopped mentioning people, he wouldn't mention the women in his study groups and wouldn't talk about his female lecturers. Anytime they saw any of Haley's friends she would accuse him of flirting with someone. Her body tense as she would excuse both of them, her voice laced with anger as she accused him of cheating, seeing every smile and interested nod as a sign Aaron was unfaithful.  
When Christmas came rolling around and the few friends Aaron had made in Seattle wanted to meet for Christmas they wouldn't take no for an answer. He got dragged out to a bar, Haley coming along with the few others girlfriends joining the small group.  
The bar was fairly busy but they dragged two tables together and ordered a couple rounds. The women all huddled at one end and the men at the other. Aaron mainly kept quiet when the first started but as the drinks came they loosened his lips and soon he was joking around, leaning on the person next to him for support, a drunk grin covering his face. He hadn't drank in nearly a year, not since Christmas day last year. Last year he had hated it, doing it out of necessity to get through the day but now he wanted to, he wanted to be drunk with his friends, acting like the teenagers in films and flirting with their partners who sat giggling on the other side of the table.  
Eventually the night drew in and the the bar patrons started wandering out into the winter night, Haley grabbed her bags and started staying goodbyes telling Aaron to do the same. Even in his drunken stupor he listened and started saying goodbyes, all his friends stood, swaying slightly and hugged him as Aaron promised he would join them more often.  
As the cold night air hit their faces, Aarons bright pink from the alcohol Aaron realised that Haley had started to glare at him. As they walked home, Aaron concentrating on walking he tried to work out why Haley was annoyed but nothing sprung to mind.  
Silently Haley went inside, not waiting for Aaron as she went into the bathroom, starting to undress and take her makeup off. Slowly Aaron walked in beside her, Haley was stood staring into the mirror body tense as she held tightly to the sink, her body tensing further as Aarons hand when for her own. .  
“Aaron are you a faggot?” The words were accusing and bitter. it took Aaron a few seconds to process them, his head clouded with alcohol and the bizzarity of the question. The words seemed to rattle round his head as Haley repeated it over and over, getting louder and louder.  
Aaron finally pulled himself together, matching Haley's volume in drunken anger.  
“ Of course I'm not! I'm married to you!”  
Haley's hands had left the sink and were now pushing Aaron into the counter, gripping him by the collar. Aaron didn't need to be sober to understand what was going to happen as furry filled Haley’s eyes.  
“ you were acting like one in there, practically climbing on your friends and fucking them” her voice turning from anger to disgust.  
Aaron didn't know where it came from but Haley's words struck a nerve that hadn't been touched in years. Aaron tried very hard to calm his voice as he spoke the next words, the anger quivering in his voice.  
“ I’m not gay, I've never been gay, I barley like half those guys at the bar”  
Aaron was tired and really didn't want to have this conversation, just wanting to leave he pushed himself away from her in a desperate act of confusion and anger. He had thought many times about just forcing Haley away from his body when she was like this but he had never done it.  
That's when Aaron fell, he couldn't quite work out if Haley pushed him in retaliation or if his own momentum had made him slip but he smashed the toilet bowl as his head went flying into it, knocking himself out for a few moments. When he woke up his head his screaming in pain, a growing pool of blood surrounding him and Haley was slowly trying to get him up, the anger still in her eyes but not her voice. 

The story they told the hospital was that they were fighting in the bathroom and Aaron slipped, shattering the toilet bowl and leading to the cuts. They didn't mention the conversation or why Aaron was trying to run out of the bathroom when he fell. The whole ordeal led to stitches and an overnight stay. Without insurance the stay took a lot of their savings from the summer. The hospital bill was over two thousand dollars and they had to fix the toilet bowl which was in pieces in the flat.  
Someone had noticed the small cuts that littered Haley's hands from the glasses she broke, the bruise on her shoulder as she got dragged down with him and the way she wouldn't leave his side. They saw a young couple, both injured, worrying loyal to each other but barely touching and it rang alarm bells.  
Aaron remembered Haley being walked out into an empty room while he was getting his stitches. The nurse was gentle with her, reassuring her that he would be fine, her arm gently leading Haley out to a separate room. The hospital knew that Aaron had been drinking that night and even though Haley said they were just having a normal argument when they both fell, the nurses did not believe her when she said she felt safe with Aaron, that he would never hurt her and that injures were accidents. all the staff just assumed that Aaron finally got what was coming for him but that Haley wasn't ready to talk, just accepting that if Haley was being beaten by her husband they couldn't help until they told her so.  
No one asked Aaron if he felt safe, but he was nearly a foot taller than his wife and the only excuse he could come up with was that the multitude of old scars and bruises were from fights. So when the next day Aaron stumbled out, hangover strong and his head still banging from the conclusion and the stitches the staff were glad to see him go. They looked with mild disgust at him and sympathy for Haley who looked as innocent as they day they met.  
When they got out of the hospital the threat was clear, Haley didn't need to say the words for Aaron to understand that no one would believe that he was in danger, that she could turn any situation on his head with simple tears and a few lies and that any day she could go to the police and make up lies that any court would believe.  
That night cost them nearly 3 thousand pounds after they fixed the toilet bowl and it was money they needed. They spent a quiet Christmas trying to see how they would make it through to the summer, Aaron was in his final year and exams were coming and Haley was already working all hours the school could give. In the end Aaron picked up a day a week where he interned over the summer, it wouldn't make up all the lost money but it covered enough and he just started studying later into the nights and earlier in the mornings, losing out on sleep and time with Haley.  
As exams drew closer the nightmares started again, they had never fully left but as the exams drew closer most nights he would wake early to a pool of sweat surrounding him as he forced himself out of the dream and the real world. Faceless people followed him into his dreams, screaming and crying, it was no longer his father but it wasn't Haley, it was the idea of pain that seemed to haunt his nights. He started sleeping on the sofa so that Haley couldn't hear his muffled sobs as exhaustion and trauma brought him to the edge of mental stability. This dreams were no longer safe, sleeping feeling like a punishment not a rest and the stress of his exams, money and Haley lead to that flat feeling suffocating.  
The real world seeming far too uncontrollable Aaron threw himself into his studying in a way many others envied until they saw the endless bags under his eyes and how little he ate. Aaron started staying as late as the libraries were open, reading over case studies again and again, memorising legal terms and writing practise papers until his hands couldn't grasp his pen any longer.  
Aaron while academic had never felt the compulsion to study like he had those last weeks but his notes and essays seemed so much clearer and cut throat than the world outside and the longer he stayed up the less time he had to dream.  
Haley convinced Aaron to sleep the nights before exams by pushing a paper on the academic benefits of sleep under his nose.  
By that point the pure exhaustion that covered his body led to a more or less dreamless nights, only haunted by faceless screaming figures a few times.  
Aaron walked that summer as one of the highest scoring students that academic year, with honours and multiple job offers across Seattle. His smile didn't reach his eyes the whole of graduation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise this isn't one of my best chapters but I've rewritten it so many times and this is the best version. I'm hoping to update within the week with another chapter covering a lot of time and then we will be at the bau ( finally!). thank you so much for the comments, they always brighten my day!  
> As always please comment and constructive criticism is super welcome x


	9. Doubts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron begins work and regrets it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS: PHYSICAL ABUSE, VERBAL ABUSE, HOMOPHOBIC LANGAUAGE

It was 2 years later when Aaron broke. He had been a prosecutor for only 18 months, a job he had been aiming for as long as he couldn't remember but since the first day he had sat in the office he knew he didn't belong.  
His office was a nice but small space with leather seats around his desk in a semicircle, down the hallway were the other offices of his colleagues, all with nicer suits and fake welcomes trying to work out why a man at least 10 years their junior was working alongside them as an equal.  
Each day as he entered his office and greeted the others the stares and shallow smiles carried on and he would try to convince himself that tomorrow they might start to warm to him. By the time the first year had passed and he was yet to be invited out for a drink or even included with others conversations, he realised that it was less about his looks and more about him. His practice of low bail money and his ambivalence for expensive suits was irritating to those who saw criminals as scroungers and low life's and themselves as better. He couldn't look at criminals like that, least of all the minor ones. When looked at the rapists, podophiles and murders of course he saw evil and the harm they had done but he just felt sorry for the drug users and the pickpockets, seeing Sean in there images and the crimes they committed. He still worried that one day he would see his brother’s photo one day at work and the others around him would just see another low life.  
He ignored when politicians came knocking on doors, even if they were the ones that could easily affect his image and get him voted out in the coming years and cared more about Haley and the people he helped than the fairly large pay check.  
Each evening the feeling of isolation became stronger, he was an outsider even where he thought he would be welcomed, he had seen nothing of the few casual friends he had while doing his degree and only the cleaner at work seemed to want to chat to him.  
Aaron would walk home on summer evenings, trying to stop the feeling of estrangement that seemed to leak into his soul. It was over half an hour but the cool breeze and the sounds of the city calmed his head. He would spend each night smoking all of his walk until his frustration had cleared and he would think more about chores and Haley than B&E’s and bail money. His hands would shake as he opened the door, unaware of the version of Haley that would be waiting at the other side. Every night he would walk in, kiss Haley and wander around the apartment helping with dinner or doing other little jobs, sometimes just quietly cohabiting as two people in love, laughing over dishes and snuggling up together watching whatever movie was on tv, Aaron could almost forget the other nights on evenings like that. Aaron would hardly believe himself sometimes that Haley could be like that, she always apologised for the argument once it was over but she never once mentioned what she had done, the cuts, the bruises, the veiled threats of getting him arrested or kicked out. If he ever bought up the things she said and did she would deny it, claiming he was making it up and that she would never say that and that he was a man and that a few bruises would hardly hurt anyone. Aaron stopped trying to have those conversations, they hurt, sometimes more than the cuts. It was what his father used to say, that if a man cant deal with the punishment for his actions than he wasn't a man, he was a pansy, a faggot and a waste of space. Aaron didn't want to be a waste of space back then and he currently didn't want to be one now. Haley no longer worked the school breaks so especially in the summer Haley would do most of the housework, so if felt idiotic to not put up with her crazy moments, he had worse before and lived though that and it wasn't like it was killing him to catch the bus or hobble round for a few days. he knew the fights were real, he could see the bruises but the words would muddle and mix in his mind, sometimes Aaron would convince himself he was simply imagining the words she screamed to him. 

It was early December when he got a call back from the FBI in Seattle, he had seen an opening within their BAU team, a local detective was talking about it in the hallway and was thinking of applying. They dealt with counter terrorism, trafficking crimes, serial killers and child crimes and actually helped people. He spent hours researching the role, deciding whether or not to apply. As Aaron bundled into his coat and scarf and started to walk out of work a couple weeks later he could feel the worry growing in his chest, he had applied on a whim, he was sure he wasn't the sort of person they wanted. Haley knew he was looking for something different, he had told her about two months back when he first started seriously applying for a different job.  
It had been raining all day and the pavement was slippery with wet fallen leaves so he had taken the metro home and they had just finished dinner when he brought it up, Aaron's hands sweaty with tension and his leg jiggling under the table.  
“ You want to leave? Why?” He didn't even try to speak before Haley carried on.  
“ They pay you well and you have been dreaming of this stupid job since we met? Even if they really are that bad you can just ignore it. Have you even thought of what else you would do?”  
Aaron just kept quiet until Haley had finished, not wanting to interrupt. In the end she agreed that as long as didn’t move cities again and the pay was decent enough to live comfortably she wasn't going to stop him. 

Aaron was sure she didn't mean it but when Haley nearly dropped a plate laughing because he had a call back from the FBI his stomach twisted itself into a knot.  
“ The FBI? Honey I'm sorry but look at yourself, you were a mess final year, anything higher pressure than paperwork and you will break. And do they know about your love handles? You've been gaining weight for months now” a friendly smirk across her face, creases around her eyes from laughing.  
“ So have you...” his voice low and quick. Aaron wished he caught himself but the words slipped out quicker than he could catch them, his good mood being ruined loosening his tongue.  
Haley’s hand slapped him just hard enough to make his breath catch in his throat as she slowly spoke, her voice slow and deliberate.  
“What did you just say?” Her voice was full of disbelief and furry. 

Aaron pleaded Haley to stop, that she was hurting him and that he was sorry. He wondered how the neighbours had not heard anything as she screamed, the words would be incoherent through the walls but couldn't they hear him hitting the walls? He wished someone would call the police or knock on the door, just anything to make it stop.  
Aaron wasn't sure what Haley was saying as she dragged him out of the kitchen by his collar, choking him in the process, he was sure it was nothing good. Fear seemed to swallow up all his energy as he stood begging with Haley to stop, his legs felt like jelly and he couldn't remember why his arms were bleeding but it felt like hours Haley had been throwing stuff and kicking, her legs were always stronger than her arms.  
Eventually the pain stopped. Aaron barely noticed, he just curled up on the floor and started sobbing, or carried on, his face was wet but he didn't remember crying. Finally his ribs ached too much to carry on and he opened his eyes to a quiet apartment, the faint sounds of Haley sleeping and the freezer humming filling the air. His shirt was stained red from blood and his legs too weak to carry him to the bathroom so he crawled, not daring to look in the mirror when he finally got into the bright cluttered space and started washing and cleaning the cuts and bruises that littered his body.

When Aaron woke up he was sure he had broken ribs but Haley seemed in a better mood so at least he had that. he spent the rest of the week sleeping on the couch, on his side, his back littered with bruises and his ribs untouchable, a shocking purple against the pale skin of his torso.  
He called the FBI Seattle office back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know its been a while but here is a short little update. I had a burst of energy and finished this off this afternoon. I know its not great but I've really struggled to write of late and I feel if I just get something out I might feel a bit better.  
> thanks for reading. hopefully I will get something else out within the next week/10 days


	10. Smoking, guns and a graduation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron starts and new job, officially joins the FBI and 6 months later officially becomes an agent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: BLOOD, GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF DEATH, IMPLIED SELF HARM, GUNS AND WEIGHT INSECURITY

It was normally over 20 weeks to train to be an FBI agent so Aaron really didn't have a clue how he left a meeting with his to be unit chief with an offer to join the BAU after just two months of training. He understood what he had been told, the unit was already a man down and one of the other agents had just applied for maternity leave, meaning within 6 months they would be two men down in a four man team but the idea that they wanted him so much they would make exceptions so could bring in to the team quicker seemed so bizarre, he accepted without hesitation.  
The deal was Aaron would go through the academic training needed, both standard FBI and more niche profiler training, he would then work with the BAU from the Seattle office part time, doing his physical training the rest of the week and after all of his training was finished he would join everyone else out in the field.

Aaron was given 2 months of full time FBI academics training. He hadn’t forgotten how to take notes or pass exams, even if most of the stuff he was learning was completely new to him. After so many years he had just built upon pre-existing knowledge it was bizarre to not even have a clue while in a class. There was an odd sense of calm about taking an exam, after so many years having his decisions judged in a court the simple right or wrong of exams soothed his brain even if he was being tested on how to profile a violent rapist or a terrorist cell. Aaron passed all of his exams and case studies, he certainly wasn't the most academically skilled in the classroom but he always passed and was often slightly above average.  
Each day as he sat learning a small part of his brain would whisper about how he shouldn't be in these lectures, he wasn't right for the FBI, he felt older than everyone else and a lot less competent, sometimes he was sure he saw a wrinkle in the mirror but he was never sure.

When his first day came as a trainee member of the BAU it felt both amazing and wholly overstimulating. It passed quickly with introductions to the whole team, a tour of the small open plan office they shared with the child crimes unit and a whole lot of paperwork to sign. He was to work 3 days a week in the office assisting with cases and the workload without travel and the other 2 doing physical training work before he could go into the field as an active agent.  
The team was nice, the unit chief was called Keith Bridges, a vet turned FBI agent with a less than office appropriate mouth at times but very caring, and two other special agents, Chen and Walters who took him under his wings.  
By the time he walked out that office he felt thoroughly overwhelmed, unable to stop himself grinning the whole walk home. He had spent the day filling in the necessary paperwork and reading the health insurance policy, constantly being bombarded by people from other units introducing themselves and questions about himself but he was still eager to go back the next day. As he walked out, his cigarette addiction gnawing gently away, he promised himself he would quit tomorrow. 

All he wanted to do was stay at work, become part of the team and learn how to become a good profiler. Until the day he quit the prosecutor's office he hadn't realised he had been carrying a weight, an expectation that he had forced upon himself to become a better version of his father, to become a nicer man, a harder worker and an exceptional husband but now he had broken that path. This job gave him freedom, he could no longer be a better version of his father because he wasn't his father, he was different. It felt like a fresh start, so much so he stopped off at a corner shop and bought Haley some flowers.  
Haley wasn't in a good mood when he got home. Aaron ended up sleeping on the sofa that night, his shirt and trousers lying on the living room floor, a heavy blanket covering him as he searched through channels and fitfully slept. The flowers had been abandoned in the kitchen, still in the plastic they came wrapped in.  
The next morning Aaron slipped into the shower and grabbed a fresh shirt and some ibuprofen while Haley slept. Trying his best not to make any sound he wrote a short note saying he went to work early and slipped out of the door hoping Haley wouldn't still be upset by tonight. He had over an hour to kill but he really didn't want to face Haley so instead he grabbed a cup of coffee and a muffin at a local café and sat as far from the street as possible and read.  
By the time he had walked to the office his back was killing him from the sofa and his arms littered with finger shaped bruises and he was already counting down the hours till he could take another pill to soften the blow, instead he sat down at his bare desk with his second cup of coffee and started on the pile of paperwork in front of him. After a few hours unmoving at this desk and one more pill, Chief Bridges called the whole team into a meeting.  
There was a case in Spokane, a believed serial killer dumping gutted bodies, questions were fired in rapid succession, everyone asking about timelines, patterns, if there was an oblivious signature, all while still reading over the files in front of them. Everyone else was traveling out there while Aaron was staying behind to give any help they needed from the offices and carry on his physical training . Within 20 minutes he was the only member of the BAU in the building. The rest of the morning was spent sitting quietly at this desk, reading over the file and seeing if he could find any relevant cases or information about the area in the FBI database and sending it over to the local police department.  
After about two hours it was clear everyone had landed because his office phone was ringing every few minutes with requests of old cases to be sent over and asking for information on random things. He also started piecing together a profile on his end to compare to the one made in the field.  
He ate at his desk, only running down to the cafeteria to grab something quickly, wishing he was remembered to bring something and taking the quickest smoke break of his life.  
He worked an extra half an hour and then was told to leave by the whole team, he had a family and there would be lots of days in the future when he couldn't just go home, Aaron slowly packed up this bag wishing he could stay longer and blame it on an urgent case, he knew it would make things worse with Haley if he stayed late and didn't call but the desire to stay anywhere but home was deep.  
They didn't talk the whole night, Haley ignoring Aaron any time he opened his mouth and he slept on the sofa again but she didn't say anything when he grabbed his pyjamas and told her she was loved.  
The next day the phone was quieter, there had apparently been another murder and that was keeping everyone busy so Aaron cracked on with the paperwork that had started to mount of his desk.  
He was relieved to sleep next to Haley that night, he wasn't sure if he could deal with physical training the whole day if he had a bad back from the sofa plus the aches Haley had left.  
He donned his FBI training uniform and walked to the car. The physical training ground was outside of city limits so his habit of walking was impractical. He was trying to lose the fat he had slowly gained over the past few years and replace it with muscle but he was nearly thirty and it wasn't quite as easy at it once felt, especially when most of the experience he had been doing was walking to and from work. He spent the next few days in physical training, boot camp for wanna be FBI agents. By Friday night his body would often not want to move, his muscles feeling deflated and flat as he lay on bed retelling the stories of the week to his sleeping companion.  
Over the coming weeks Aaron fell into a natural pattern. Spending the first few days of the week listening to profiles and open cases and asking constant questions while writing up reports in the office and then driving out the academy course and spending the next two days learning disarmament techniques and being told he couldn't run fast enough. By Saturday he was often relieved to be given mindless jobs like washing and folding laundry instead of anything that required him to think. He would often spend Sunday morning going for runs or doing exercise in the living room and always promising himself after this last pack he would quit smoking, then after lunch he would collapse and spend the rest of the day sitting watching a movie. 

After a month he could finally run his 1.5 miles under a time limit and not fail pitifully. He wouldn't mind walking that far and enjoyed the adrenaline of shorter runs but the smouldering burn in his legs after running for over 10 minutes and the eyes of other people watching him always made him despise it, especially when someone notable older than him overtook him, barley seeming to struggle.  
His core muscles had been surprisingly strong, just hidden behind an office appropriate stomach so while it had taken a while to get used too using them so much he didn't mind spending hours going mindless activities like pushups and situps and if forced the feeling of cramping muscles out of his brain he could reach the target. Eventually after about a month of spending his weekend trying to sooth sore muscles and trying to work out if he was gaining muscle he passed his physical fitness test and word got out around the office. Even Walters congratulated him, even though Aaron doubted he had struggled, he was a giant of a man and seemingly all muscle and toothy grin. Chen had loudly congested him while he was sitting at his desk, giving him a small box of chocolates as a token present for passing, he kept them at work and didn't tell Haley.  
By the time Aaron had started firearms training he didn't feel like the new guy anymore, Chief Bridges even had him presenting cases to the rest of the team and he seemed to predict their needs. The whole team included him, they even listened to his contributions however small to the profile and whenever the team was going out they asked if he wanted to come and every once in a while they managed to make him come. He quite enjoyed those nights out when everyone got back to case earlier and Bridges had dragged the whole team to a local bar for a drink. He and Chen would order virgin drinks and everyone would sit on stupidly high bar stools round a table and laugh at jokes and try not to think about work. He found out this was going to be Chen’s second child and she was going to work till the day she popped, currently her bump was growing but still relatively hidden under her neat work shirts. Behind her unassuming exterior was a witty and intelligent person and even if he hadn't seen it he was promised she wasn't bad in a fight either. Bridges loved old cars and did them up for a hobby and that Walters was a chronic over worker. They didn't seem to mind his dry humour or his never ending questions, most out of curiosity rather than genuine need. He didn't care that they joked about this obsession with Haley, the only person he seemed to talk about, or how whipped he was, always being the earliest to leave.  
Aaron found a strange safety in holding a pistol, the cold metal comforting in his hand, a real form of protection from the people he was working to stop. The feeling of recoil soon stopped being jarring and became a natural part of training, just a sign he was at the academy. As soon as he had picked one up it was clear Aaron was an excellent marksman, improving each time he seemed to pick a gun up. He wished he was talented in other things instead of firing a killing machine, each time someone pointed it out, the interactions always make his stomach twist in discomfort. He didn’t like that loud gunshots and specific recoil of the pistol had become comforting, a sign he could protect himself from whoever was out there and he didn't like that he was no longer worried about having to shoot someone, sure he could make the shot.  
He definitely preferred shooting a pistol over the much larger carbine’s he also trained in. He claimed he disliked it because of his size and weight, the bulk of the large magazine but really it reminded him of his father.  
Growing up he knew his father had a gun, a large Carbine that looked like it belonged in a war not a residential street. Aaron had only seen it a few times in his life but would never forget those nights and how he wished that Sean wouldn't come home.  
His father’s words slurred as he threatened Aaron, the smell of alcohol lingering wherever he stood waving his gun between the door and his son curled up on the sofa, too scared to move. They would stay that way the whole night, Aaron frozen to his seat and his fathers gun always ready to shoot if the door opened, both of them waiting to see when Sean would stumble in. Aaron tried to make himself believe his father would never shoot one of his own children but he still sat, watching the door, barely blinking. As the night would pass Aaron would sit silently praying Sean would be passed out in a field and wouldn't be back until their father had calmed down. Eventually Sean would wander through the door, normally high off something, and see the barrel of a gun pointing at his chest. The first time it happened the threat was enough, the hard barrel forced into Sean’s rocking body, for a while he didn't sneak out or at least got better at hiding it and his drug stash. The second time it happened, only a few months later Sean was too cocky, too sure his father wouldn't fire the gun, only poke him in the chest and spit on his face. After a moment of threatening silence a shot whistled past Sean’s ear, the barrel inches from his face. Sean couldn't hear properly from that ear for months and by the end of the week Sean had packed a bag and left, he ended up being brought back by the police a few days later when they found out he was only 14 but from that moment on he tried to leave every chance he could. 

Aaron passed his firearms qualification easily, even if the sight of the larger guns repulsed him, Aaron had a great eye and technique.

He was nearly 5 months into working at the FBI and while he loved the work he did being office bound most of the week was infuriating. While the rest of the team was away he was sat in an office spending his days doing research and picking up loose ends, ringing up companies, looking for suspects addresses to send over to the field and then going from constant phone calls to complete radio silence while the arrests were happening. It was definitely more interesting than working as a prosecutor and Aaron finally felt like he was actually helping the world but the itch to be in the field was tugging at his skin as he became more competent. That itch was encouraged by his training, role playing real life scenarios in fake FBI towns and learning defence techniques made his blood flow and his head pound. The unpredictability of what was going to happen and Aarons need for fast solutions and decision making meant that he was often excelling and catching the eye of the mentors. While he preferred case exercises and putting his training to action the defence tactics and undercover work was fun. The only part he hated was hand on hand combat, no one could work out why he hated it because it was one of his strengths. he never told anyone why but he knew how to grab people to stop them from moving, he had been held hands behind his back before and he certainly knew where punches hurt most, he had glad when training moved on to defence and searching rather than attack and even more glad when he could finally put hand to hand training behind him and move on to the generally less exciting world of interviewing witnesses and planning operations.

Graduation was a quiet event, Haley came and even though they wanted Aaron to, Aaron finally convinced the BAU team not to come as long as he brought a picture all dressed up. He wasn't surprised that his parents didn't even think about travelling to come and see them but disappointment did gnaw at his stomach when people asked where his family were.  
When he came to the office the next day carrying his badge and gun he didn't even try to hide his grin as he showed them off, even if it looked identical to all the other badges and guns in the room they were special because they were his.  
Aaron Hotchner, FBI special agent and part of the BAU.  
It was Thursday when Bridges called them all into the meeting room and motioned for everyone to sit at the rectangular table, Aaron had been in this room so often but it seemed different as he listened to the case that morning, he knew he was going to be flying out with them, no longer stuck in the office for the case, an field agent at last .  
It was a murder case, people found violently killed in their homes, naked and bloody. The photos were not for the faint of heart, seemingly hundreds of stab wounds on each body and the gap between kills was getting shorter, it could easily turn into a spree, the latest body had just been found that morning so they had been called in. 20 minutes later he sat in a cramped plane talking about the profile and the plan for when they landed. It was barely mid day when they landed in Sacramento, Aaron, Bridges and Walters headed to the crime scene while Chen went to the station.  
It was a residential street in the middle of the nicest end of town, the streets tree lined and the houses large but outside of a perfectly normal house was a group of police cars and forensics teams. The inside of the house was a mess, blood soaked into the thick cream carpet. They had kept the crime scene how it was found, the house in disarray, everything of value smashed and the body shredded by harsh full body cuts. Aaron had seen so many photos of bodies, many bloody and mutilated but seeing it in real life was different, the smell of blood pungent in the air and the busyness of people collecting samples nearby. It was both impossible to forget how alive this person was hours before, pictures of a happy wife and mother smashed on the floor and how dead she was now, the blood pooled by her empty face and the visible bone, Aaron had to stop himself from looking into her glassy eyes and remind himself that it was a case and that he was working not mourning.  
It was Sunday evening by the time they caught the delusional man killing the happy families of his old high school crushes that they had profiled, suddenly all their hard work paid off and the case was over. He had been ringing Haley each night from his cheap hotel bed, recanting as much of his day without going into the violent details but he longed to be next to the happy wife he seemed to be talking to over the phone.  
When he finally got back, just after 11 on Sunday night Haley was sat fast asleep on the sofa, clearly she had been waiting for him to come home and had dozed off in the quiet of an empty apartment. When Haley woke up to Aaron trying to lift her off the sofa and into the bedroom she just sleepily grinned, stood up and walked into the bedroom, cuddling into the warmth of his body and asked when he needed to leave for work again, her voice hoarse. Aaron quickly changed and slipped into bed next to the nearly unconscious Haley, he tried to smile but thoughts kept tugging at his brain, the sight of shredded bodies and an itch under his skin that wouldn't stop, eventually he slipped out of bed. He already hid so many things, a few more scars wouldn't be a big problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a bit longer than planned. I've already got a bit of the next chapter written so hopefully that wont be as long. Over the next few chapters Aaron is going to have some revelations so I'm looking forward to sharing that with you.   
> I should be picking up speed with writing again as I've now written the bits I least liked and now we are moving into the fun bits.   
> I always love criticism and your comments always cheer me up so please comment any thoughts x  
> cheers :)


	11. Excuses and concussions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron doesn't want to believe what his brain is telling him,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: PHYSICAL ABUSE, ALCOHOL MISUSE ,STOCKHOLM SYNDROME LIKE BEHAVOUR, IMPILED RASISM, HOSPITAL HEAVY CHAPTER.

Aaron got into a routine about once a week Bridges would appear, quickly summon the team into the shared office and tell everyone where they were going and why. It was normally a serial killer but child abductions weren't off the menu. Aaron would stand by his desk, gathering up his papers as he phoned Haley, mostly he had to leave while she was still working so he would leave a note with the school secretary saying he was going away and leave a sweet voicemail on Haley’s Nokia but sometimes classes would be out or it would be lunch so Haley would pick up when her mobile rang. It never went well. Haley would claim she didn't mind but her tone would be short and the words spoken were precise as she tried not to tell the staff room what she thought of her husband.  
He had explained when he took the job, saying he wouldn't take the interview if she didn't like it, look for a more office based FBI job if she wanted him every weekend but Haley told him to take it if he got the chance.

“ Will that woman be there? Her voice quiet and low, trying to hide her questioning from the teachers talking in the background.  
Aaron would just hum a confirmation, not wanting to remind Haley that everyone either called her Agent Chen or Sarah. No matter how many times Aaron mentioned that they had to work together and that both of them were happily married, Haley didn't quite seem to trust her and Aaron didn't think it was just because she was a woman.  
“ How long are you traveling for this time?” she would sigh, rolling her eyes even if no one was looking.  
“ I don't know, until the case is solved” he knew his frustration didn't help but it had been months of the same conversation.  
“ Super helpful Aaron, and how long will that be?” the sarcasm dripping from the phone.  
This whole conversation would last until Haley had run out of questions that Aaron couldn't answer and Aaron really needed to catch the plane, frustrated Aaron would tell the silence on the other end he loved her and he would listen to the dial tone.  
It was always a struggle, Aaron calling to either hear short standoffish answers or none at all.  
This carried on for months, listening to Haley's bitter tone over the crackling phone lines late at night and wishing he was both back home and further away. The only thing she claimed to miss was Aaron cooking breakfast on the weekends, finding a million not so joking reasons why the apartment was better without him.  
Aaron would always ring as the case wrapped up, saying what time he would be home by and then ringing again as they left the air field. Sometimes she would cheer up when she heard he was coming home. Aaron tried to convince himself that Haley had missed him but he knew it was never quite the truth. If people asked why he called Haley so much he would always brush it off with a small smile,he didn't mind the jokes about it, much preferring to know what type of Haley he was walking home to. If she was in a good mood and claiming she was excited for him to be back there was a good chance the night would be alright. Every time he stepped off that plane and she seemed distant or didn't pick up his heart would sink and his stomach would tighten. It was impossible to know what would lay behind his door on those nights but he knew it wasn't good, at least he got Monday morning off when they worked a weekend. Some nights she would just shout, sometimes she was silent or he just got kicked out but most of the time it felt like a weeks worth of fight and anger came out in one night and he would grit his teeth trying to not limp as he walked in to work for the next week. He would drive to work those days, not caring that it took twice as long and the car would stink from the cigarettes he always said he would quit.  
He had tried the patches and the pills and even chewing gum and he would last a couple of days but then a case would get hard or he would come home from a case or something and the itch would appear, the headaches would start and his body would beg for something that wasn't just nicotine but a puff of a cigarette just about dealt with.  
It was July when it happened, they had been away for 10 days, 5 families abducted in one night and their bodies appearing impaled on metal gates until the day they caught the delusional group. He knew Haley would be mad when he told her he was coming back, she had been getting worse and worse the longer the trip went on and Aaron wasn't surprised that she didn't pick up when he landed. Aaron knew if he stopped at a grimy bar he wouldn't just have one drink but the images of children being beaten to death and then impaled on school gates wouldn't leave his mind and the burning of whiskey would mute the punches when they landed. His hands were clumsy and he must have fumbled for 5 minutes before he managed to get into the flat, bringing the smell of cigarettes, alcohol and vomit into the flat. Haley was angry that he had disappeared but Aaron was angry too, angry with himself that he was scared, angry that he was drunk like his father and angry at Haley for not caring that he was near alcohol poisoning.  
Aaron didn't know how he came to being passed out on the park on a late august morning bench facing the apartment building. He tried to sit up but each shuddering breath was agonising and he couldn't remember if he hit his head or he had just drunk enough that he could no longer stand. When the nausea caught up with him and he emptied out what little there was in his stomach, his whole body begging him to stop moving, the taste of blood lingered at the back of his throat. His shirt would have to be binned, the sweat and vomit might wash out but he knew that nothing could clean dried blood. He desperately needed the hospital, if not for alcohol poisoning then for his broken bones and the blood he kept spitting up. He ended up knocking on the door anyways, he needed ID and a card before any hospital would take him in and in his intoxicated state he must of left them at home. Haley was still home but her furry had passed and she even helped him get into a bath and wash. He got dressed and while she drove them over to the hospital, Aaron racking his mind for a story to tell to the doctors.  
“ Hi Bridges, Sorry to call on a Saturday but I wont be in the next few days”  
“Yeah I'm fine- just got mugged last night- yeah yeah I'm ok, just a few broken bones some cuts, had a bit to much to drink and didn't see the guy, stupid really”  
“ no no no, nothing taken, something must of scared the guys off- A couple of ribs and a fractured my arm but I use my left so I should be fine in a couple days  
“ Thanks but I’ll be fine- really not don't bother I’m fine- great- I’ll be back soon”  
It was the only excuse he could come up with to explain the sheer amount of cuts and bruises and why his arm had been twisted behind his back so much it had broken. He claimed he could only remember parts of what happened, blaming his concussion and the ‘few’ drinks he had.  
Chen came to visit, her waddle clear, only a few weeks away from her due date, but I think she picked up on Haley starring her down and quickly left after dropping in some flowers and a card.  
Within a few days he was back home and working again, stuck on desk duty until he was fully healed up, Walters wasn't even happy he was in the office, insisting that he should still be resting but Aaron knew that would do him no good so he hid his limp and managed to sweet talk himself into only 2 weeks of desk work.  
It was Aarons first case back in the field when Chen went into labour, she was a week early but the case was hard so it wasn’t very surprising when she calmly informed Bridges of her situation. Luckily they weren't very far away from Seattle, barely past Olympia, so one of the police officers spent an hour with Chen having contractions in the passenger seat while she insisted she was fine.Her baby was born a healthy 7lb and 3oz.  
Aaron mentioned it casually to Haley that night, he didn't tell her about the card or flowers he sent her signed from the both of them. He promised he wouldn't visit her in hospital without Haley there to keep an eye. They didn't end up going.  
Haley stopped asking when he would get back from cases, starting ringing each night telling him stories of the day's drama at school. Aaron didn't want to think about what had changed but theories filled his mind. It was so sudden, maybe it was something he had done, not that he could give himself credit for such a change, maybe it was that he was working with only men now, Haley hadn’t exactly liked Chen, he tried to convince himself it was that and nothing else.  
Aarons nightmares started again, not that they had ever fully stopped, his flat was filled with ghosts of dead families and children, it went away in the day when he could focus on a case but every time he finally fell to slept next to Haley his head would fill with bodies and survivors, it was never the most brutal murders, the most desecrated bodies or the worst unsubs but it was always the same theme, the same story under it all. Aaron's unconscious had made a decision for him, it was tired of this and his brain was going to scream until Aaron listened.  
He would wake in a cold sweat the words bouncing round his head, words of survives, friends, parents and diaries but always the same message  
“ I should of left when I could”  
Aaron didn't know if he had the strength but he was beginning to think he had to find it. He knew he should leave and he couldn't find a reason to not, he had money, a job, the ability to move jobs if he had too but weeks passed with Aaron ignoring the endless nightmares and fresh scars littering his body. Every time he travelled a little part of his brain begged him to stay, whether they were in LA or Texas, he saw the sight of child abductions and mass murders and wanted to never leave. It wasn't helped by the fact that the nightmares left when he was away, he tried not to think about how the most restful dreams he had were after long days at crime scenes or napping on the plane.  
The whole team was out in Kentucky in the mid summer, Aaron was out spending a lot of time in wheat fields with corpses, glad it was too early for combine harvesters. A profile was formed of a teenage boy killing girls his own age and experimenting sexually on them, they just needed to find the right teenage boy. They were in the middle of nowhere but that didn't help the case, everyone drove, all the boys were active and would have the skills to kill and the strict Christian population meant the unusual sexual aspect was not utterly surprising.  
That's when it happened, as Aaron stood in a boiling field thinking about sexual deviance and Christian households, Haley left her classroom to answer a call from her father, Roy.  
90 minutes later she stood in an airport queue, trying to get the next ticket out to Quantico and Aaron was driving to the nearest commercial airfield, cursing rural Kentucky .  
They both arrived at Quantico within minutes of each other.  
Roy had rang as soon as the doctors took Ann in, they thought it was a possible stroke but collapsing was never a good sign and it was clear hitting her head on the way down didn't help.  
It was night by the time they got to the hospital, collapsing into the hospital chairs after hours of silent worry. Aaron knew it wasn't his place to be here, a son in law at a possible deathbed but he didn't want to leave. Ann had always been good to him, treating him like a son even when him and Haley were just stupid teens.  
No one looked up when they walked in, Jess and Roy just staring at the sleeping body of their mother and wife, her face pale seemingly lifeless as she slept. It had hit around 11, Ann crumbling as her and Roy walked through town, hitting her head on a mailbox as she fell. They had been in hospital ever since, if she didn't have another stroke within the next few hours she might live but no one knew what quality of life it would be. The hours passed with cheap coffee and nurses visiting, taking more tests and giving her more medication. Occasionally she was awake from a medicated slumber but her eyes were so panicked and her face so lifeless she seemed more like a corpse than a person, no one seemed to notice as they whispered how loved she was was, her eyes wouldn't change no matter what happened or what was said and soon the next round of drugs would hit and she would fall back into a deep sleep.  
Days passed with little sleep and lots of vending machine food, Aaron was given a few days off and Haley didn't care if she lost her job so nobody left.  
When she was awake you could see the tired frustration as Ann’s mouth lay agape, her tongue lolling around her mouth as she tried to form words or move her body until exhaustion caught up with her again. Aaron stayed sitting in the corner letting everyone else sit around the bed, Jess barely moved the whole time, her hand grasping onto her mothers, willing her to get better.  
It was two weeks later Roy wheeled his wife out as she napped in a wheelchair and loaded her into his van. Aaron had wanted to stay but crime didn't stop because people were ill so he had gone back the week before and wasn't leaving his phone alone, calling twice daily for the non existent updates. Haley and Jess had moved back into the old house temporarily, not daring to leave Roy alone. Ann could move her right side well, her left arm would move but was weak and her leg was a dead weight, she still couldn't speak, her tongue falling out of her mouth like jelly.  
Plans were made, everyone knew that as much as Roy loved Ann he couldn't boil an egg let alone look after himself and ann. He had the shop to look after and Ann certainly couldn’t look after them.  
Jess wanted to move down from Washington DC but she was starting a career and no one would let years studying journalism be thrown away so she could move back home when Haley was as willing to help and could easily pick up work locally if she needed to. They also needed Aaron's insurance for Physiotherapy and blood thinners.  
It was agreed that Aaron would move down as soon as he could get a job at Quantico FBI and until that point Haley would move back in and look after her parents, Aaron and Jess paying for the bills till everything was sorted.  
The apartment was empty, not just because Aaron was alone but because it was no longer his and Haley’s flat was just his, an apartment for a couple separated by hundreds of miles. Suddenly evenings sitting eating dinner in front of the TV wasn't a sign of enjoying the quiet moments; it was a reminder that he was alone in a city he had been in for over 5 years, he had no friends, no life outside of work. He still rang Haley each time he went away but it felt empty. Haley didn't need to cook less because she would eat alone, she didn't need to know when he would get home or how long his flight was. He knew he had been thinking about leaving, he knew their relationship was toxic and not what it should have been, but the longer he lay in what used to be their bed the more the idea repulsed him. He had never been alone, it wasn't freeing, it felt exhausting and lonely, he felt starved, he knew him and Haley weren't okay, they had been on a sinking ship for years but that didn't mean he could leave and let her drown alone in medical debts and death without the person she loved.  
He and Haley might drown but Aaron had married her and he promised himself that they would drown together if they had too. Things had to change, he couldn't carry on living like he had with Haley but he couldn't live without her any more.   
It was exactly 13 days later when if office phone rang, it was an FBI number and not one Aaron recognised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter went up a couple of days ago but I didn't like it so here is a bit of a rewrite. Aaron is on the path to realising how bad his situation is but he is no where near free of Haley and her effects.  
> as always please comment and critique  
> cheers my dears xx


	12. FBI Academy ,1234 Range Rd, Quantico

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron gets a phone call and visits home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: PHYSICAL ABUSE, EMOTIONAL ABUSE, STROKE VICTIM AND RECOVERY, BINK AND YOU MISS IT SEXISM, IMPLIED SELF HARM.

“Hello, Aaron Hotchener speaking.” 

“Hi Aaron, I’m SSA Jason Gideon, unit chief of the BAU over at Quantico. I’ve been chatting to SSA Bridges and I hear you may be interested in a move to Quantico?”

“Yes Sir, my mother in law has fallen ill so my wife and I are moving back to Virginia.”

“Please, call me Jason. I’m sorry to hear about your mother in law.” he paused, “Listen this isn’t official yet but we may have a vacancy coming up on the team, I’d be happy to interview you but it will be a busy role.”

“That’s great Sir- Jason, thank you. What exactly does the role entail?”

“A bit of everything honestly. You’ll be working with me, another special agent and our media supervisor. We travel a lot so I’m not sure if that will clash with your responsibilities for your mother in law?”

“Oh, my wife and her sister are fine without me helping, honestly I just get in the way when I try to help.” Aaron’s skin itched and the small scar hidden by his hair reminded him of how much he got in the way, always helping and never helpful. 

“Yeah I always found that I fared better if I just let my ex-wife get on with things.” Jason laughed, his voice sweet with memories of a relationship sweetened by time.  
“Well then Aaron, if you can let me know when you’ve travelled down and we’ll set up a meeting.” the faint sound of a pen scratching and chatter of a busy building barley notable in the background.

“Thank you Jason, I really appreciate it.” 

“Not a problem, I look forward to meeting you.”

********  
It was late Friday night a month after the phone call when he walked through the door to the Brook house. The smell of air freshers hit him as he walked in, making his eyes water as he tasted the fake floral scent but even there liberal use couldn't hide the smell of illness and the depressed feeling that was creeping in. It took Aaron a few seconds to realise what was different, the house almost felt the same but it was no longer littered with coffee tables holding flowers and family pictures, no longer craft projects discarded on sofas, the house was just slightly emptier as Ann’s chaotic joy had not left marks. When Roy walked over he didn't tell Aaron the latest football win for the Redskins instead he just patted Aarons back motioning to the kitchen, the same floral scent lingering in place of fresh cooking.   
15 minutes later Jess and Haley came back down the stairs, after helping their mum into bed, a quick smile flashed across Jess's face, as they both stood tired in the kitchen door.  
It was nearly 2 months since he last saw Haley in person as she leant weary against the door frame, her hair had grown out past her collar bones and she stood less tall but the way she looked at him was the same.  
It had been a long day of work and then a plane journey over but he made his lips linger on her as they settled down in Haley's old room, her mouth wet and hungry as Aaron tried to force away the idea that he hadn't missed kissing his wife. The room would be cosy and sweet if the mattress wasn't so lumpy and the walls a horrible pink and smelling of musk. Haley kissed back with passion her tongue rooming through his mouth as her fingers ran across his chest, sending shivers down his back.   
“ Night sweetie” Aaron mumbled as he pulled away, trying to turn over but a hand held his face in place.  
It felt wrong to do something so personal with family so close and exhaustion racked his body, he had spent last weekend and most of the week traveling and had been sleeping worse as the weekend grew closer. His hand felt for the lamp on the bedside table and suddenly the whole room was in darkness, a small amount of relief in his body until Haley lent and turned it back on, a mischievous smile forming over her face as she saw a challenge in Aarons tired eyes.  
Her hands lingered, running smooth patterns across his stomach, her fingers cold and hard as they felt for his ribs. Aaron stared at the web covered ceiling trying to ignore the sick feeling and exhaustion as Haley half leant on her, a leg laying over him as she moved closer.   
Her lips traveling down onto his neck, stopping as she sucked on the spot on his neck she knew made Aaron squirm.   
He could feel himself becoming hot and sweaty as Haley's lips attacked the spot, one hand resting under his shirt and the other worming its way down his back. He could feel his body yearning for Haleys touch, even if he was full of worries and reluctance. Both of them could feel Aaron getting hard under the sheets even as he just wished for sleep to overtake him.   
He turned to face Haley and turned off his brain as he slowly started to kiss back not wanting to deal with the fight that being a prude would lead too.   
When he woke up he was curled into Haley, both of them passed out after such a late night. A cold sweat lingered between their touching skin and Aaron was immensely grateful Haley wasn't awake to see how quickly he got up and dived for a shower.   
No longer how much he scrubbed his skin the itch that covered wouldn't leave him, by the time he finally pulled himself out to the shower his skin was pink and wrinkled and Haley was complaining about him hogging that water. The bags under his eyes seemed worse than when he first woke up and exhaustion racked his body. He could have said no, of course he could so it wasn't anything bad, he enjoyed it after a while and Haley wasn't forcing him, not really.   
He quickly dressed and helped Jess get Ann down the stairs, she had insisted on sleeping in her own room and not being carried down but it was a slow process as her left leg was still very weak, physio had helped but it couldn't hold any weight and she didn't have the upper body strength for a cane yet. When Jess started feeding her he expected looks of frustration and stoic determinism but she just sat quietly as she weakly sucked orange juice from a glass held up for her and eat porridge that was held to her lips like a toddler, the strain was clear, she was a woman trapped in a body that didn't work like it used too. Aaron spent most of the afternoon quietly sitting with Ann, Jess and Haley had left to do some shopping and enjoy the afternoon and Roy had left soon after sunrise to open the shop, leaving Aaron and Ann by themselves in the house.   
They sat on the sofa, tv muted in the background as they had a stilted conversation, her words pain stacking slow and jerky, like every movement was a conscious effort, a word board laid on her lap for the sounds she couldn't manage but still the conversation was relaxing and a welcome change. Under all of the medications and therapies and uncooperative bodies she was still witty and smart, even if she took longer and the jumper she knitted for him last Christmas might be his last. Eventually she fell asleep, the effort of talking catching up and Aaron started on tidying up the kitchen from lunch and ended up prepping dinner just for something to do even if it didn't keep his brain busy like he wished it would. When he had cleaned the kitchen as much as he could Ann was still peacefully sleeping and there was over an hour till anyone would return. In the end Aaron found the bleach and started cleaning the bathrooms. He thought about sitting down with the latest novel he had been carrying around but the idea of being so frivolous left a knot in his stomach. He first started on the little downstairs toilet before quickly moving upstairs to the main bathroom, keeping the doors open for any sign of Ann stirring and nipping down to check on her every few minutes. The rubber gloves helped him not itch at his skin but the constant feeling of dirt and grime hasn't left his body. He was just wiping down the sides when he heard the door unlock and conversation below.  
As he walked into the living room, Ann waking up from the conversation, Haley gave him a stare, furry in her eyes as he stood in the doorway.   
He tried to ignore his rising heartbeat and how he couldn't seem to breathe as a conversation happened around him, the words echoing around the room. Haley's tone was angry, Aaron definitely knew that much, even if she was trying to hide it. He had tried so hard to be a good husband, a good son and brother in law and he had already done something wrong. He tried to not scratch his skin but he felt so dirty and so wrong it was only the sting and the feel of slight dampness when he realised he had drawn blood, skin stuck under his nails.  
It felt like hours later when Haley waked over gripping his arm tight as she spat the words grabbing him to the kitchen.   
“ Why the hell would you leave her alone Aaron? She has just had a fucking stroke”  
“ I was just upstairs, I was checking on her-” before Aaron could say any more she carried on like he hadn't even spoken.  
“ oh great, Aaron, she can't even form a sentence or stand up by herself, a child knows to not leave someone like that alone” her voice quiet but sharp as her spare hand racked through her hair.   
“ I'm sorry, I thought it would be ok”  
“ you thought wrong” her grip was stronger as she tried to hide her furry from Jess and her mum next door.   
“I should've known that you couldn't look after her, but you said you could and I believed you. She could have died while you were messing around upstairs.” Aaron could feel goose bumps forming as Haley's harsh breath touched his neck.  
He could feel blood in his mouth as he bit down on his cheek, trying to block off the ringing in his head and the sting in his eyes, it would all be over quickly if he just shut up. Haley had been in worse moods before but he was trying so hard, it was going to be different this time.   
It took a few moments of quiet, her eyes piercing through him before Aaron realised Haley hadn't moved, she hadn't hit him. Of course she wouldn't, there were people around, someone might hear, Haley couldn't do anything, not even shout without causing attention. A sudden panic rose within Aaron, the idea of someone coming in and seeing him with tears in his eyes from a few simple words, they weren't alone in their flat, Jess might see him, scared of his wife and realise what a mistake he is. Aaron could feel his hand becoming numb, as Haley's thin, strong fingers didn't let go of his arm, instead seemingly becoming tighter as the silence grew..  
When Haley spoke again her voice didn't sound angry, more dismissive and condescending as she let go off his wrist and joined everyone else in the living room.   
“ Just don't do it again. Ok?” she wasn't expecting an answer.  
Aaron honestly had been cutting down to only a few a day the last few weeks but he didn't even try to stop himself grabbing his pack and stepping outside letting the cold air and nicotine calm his body. His hand was pale and yellowed and Aaron was surprised it wasn't cold like a corpse, the skin was so similar to those of a dead man. The wind blew through his top, his jumper abandoned in the living room but the smoke filled his lungs and calmed his head so much that he didn't care. The pins and needles started and Aaron wished Haley had grabbed his other wrist as the null dumbness faded into electrifying pain, his whole hand begging to both stay still and move. Its only as Aaron Shakely sticks his cigarette between his teeth, that Aaron sees the bruise. A thick ring of darkening reds, purple finger marks scattered around. He hadn't even realized that the dull thud wasn't just lack of blood. The chill was sinking in as he finished his cigarette, dunking it in an abandoned water can and then the trash and slowly stepping inside . 

“ here comes the walking ashtray!” Haley called as he stepped inside, jess giggled in the corner and even Ann seemed to give a wonky smile as Aaron slouched into the sofa, grabbing his jumper and quickly hiding his wrist, no one needed to know.

By Monday morning the bruise was turning blue and and green, the finger marks no longer clear, just part of the marriage of colours. His suit covered most of it up but he would still need to be careful that no one could see anything when he moved. Everyone wished him luck as he grabbed his bag and left. 

It was nearly an hour later when Aaron sat in an FBI waiting room trying to not stress. Everything was clean and he was wearing his nicest aftershave but the unclean feeling hasn't budged all weekend and he was glad no one could see his bloody scratches on his arms from nights of unstopped itching. Eventually a scruffy looking man walked up to him, enthusiastically shaking his hand and introducing himself as Jason. He was nothing like SSA Bridges, he dressed in hideous jumpers and messy jeans and had the energy of a professor not a FBI agent. He followed along as he told a story of meeting Bridges when they ended up working together and he took a fancy to the stubborn grizzled man as much as Bridges took a liking to him so they had become friends, both enjoying nature and the odd hunting trip. When he walked into the plain looking office being used for interviews the women that shook her hand looked the polar opposite of him, Erin Strauss was meticulous, her blonde hair tied in a flawless bun and her suit without a crease, she didn't smile as they shook hands.

It was a long interview, listing off his degrees, his career before the FBI and all of his training and work with the Seattle unit. Strauss stayed mostly emotionless, poking and prodding for weaknesses and hidden strengths but the longer he talked to Jason the more interested he became, especially in his prosecuting and law background, even if he was no longer practising he was a lawyer and he had kept up on the law. It was still a small team, Aaron coming on to replace a woman who had joined white collar crimes so he would be one of 3 profilers and there would be a dedicated media liaison because the team was higher profile than Seattle. An agent Gideon described as a ‘wonderful young lady’ and nothing else.  
It was well past lunch when he finally left, it had gone fairly well even if Strauss had badged him over his fitness tests because he smoked, which was understandable but unnerving as her face was stoic and her questions endless.  
In the end Gideon's pager went off and the interview ended quickly with rushed handshakes and promises for another phone call as his voice rang out across the office just stating they had an urgent case.   
He didn't need to be a genius to realise what the case was, as soon as he got to the car the radio blared out an amber alert for a missing boy, thought to be related to other missing children's cases from the state. 

Aaron didn't know why but as he headed into through the town and turned down his old street and drove past the house, it looked dead like always, the same grey door and netted curtains, far too suburban for his memories of the house. To anyone else it would look entirely normal and insignificant, a brass number hanging on the mailbox and a low hedge between gardens. He remembers how as a child he wished the houses touched like did at the other end of town because then people would hear him, not that he made much sound after the first few times and even the little he made could be blamed on Sean. Everyone said he was a bad kid from a good house, they said he was spoilt or a home breaker so any screams could be blamed on him and his hate for his parents who tried so hard to raise him right. He was sure they would of sent him away to a mental hospital or even to juvie but then he might tell, keeping Sean as the mentally unstable hooligan son was better for them, less authorities involved.

Aaron forced himself to drive on, he had lingered to long already and Haley was expecting him. It was a strange relief to find himself running tight on time meaning he wouldn't be able to linger much after he packed. The walls of the pink bedroom were still shockingly bright when Haley walked in to see Aaron packing his suit into its bag. The door closed with a click and Aaron tried to pretend his breath didn't falter at the idea of Haley asking what took so long but she just gently rested her head on his shoulder.   
“ I'm sad you're already leaving, I've barely seen you”   
While they had spent a lazy Sunday with Jess and Ann, films and chat only broken up by trips to the toilets and food Aaron realised they had barley been in the same room alone since Saturday afternoon, Aaron fell asleep on the couch on Saturday, claiming to of dozed off mid tv program and last night they barley chatted, anxiety about the interview playing on his mind.   
“ so do you think you've got this job, can I put a deposit in?”  
“ Hard to tell, it went well but the Section Chief looked like she had her doubts”  
“ Aaron you really need to get a job down here, I'm getting bored with just Jess for company on weekends.”   
“ I'm trying-”   
“ Try harder” the words were sudden and harsh, interrupting Aaron and looking him in the eyes just just a moment before Haley went back to resting her head on his chest.  
“ I am trying but it takes time” Aarons voice was as soothing as he could make it which his heart still manically beating .  
The mock scowl that covered Haley's face had a hint of a threat to it just enough that Aaron didn't take it as a joke but smiled and kissed her forehead nonetheless. 

*******  
Walters not so stealthy slid into his desk when he walked in Tuesday morning  
“ So how did it go?”   
“It went….well” a small smile badly hidden behind his scowling exterior.  
“You think you've got it in the bag don’t you??” a big slap on the back nearly winding him as Walters said the last words and before Aaron could even say a word he called the rookie over to bathe in Aarons interview glory as he tried to explain that he hadn't even got a second interview let alone an offer. A slight blush and grin stayed on his face the whole day.

A month later Aaron spent his last night in the flat, sleeping on an old air mattress in an empty room. If the house hadn't felt empty before it did now, the walls bare and the rooms empty of any personality. The journey was long and boring, hours spent in a nosy truck by yourself would never be exciting but the ideas that swamped his mind made him practically beg for company. He knew it was the right choice, his mum had tried but home wasn't safe, not really, even with cups of hot coco and all the good days it was just one moment away from disaster. Haley and the Brook’s were family, they had always looked after him and now it was his turn. It was right to do the same and even if he didn't want to help them he couldn't leave. His love for Haley hadn't faded over the years they had known each other and leaving would only lead to questions he didn't want to answer. As much as he knew it was idiotic he couldn't stand the idea of someone knowing, of Haley getting hurt if Aaron revealed what was going on.   
Haley had found an apartment on the outside of Quantico about a 15 minute drive from Roy and Ann’s and about 30 minutes to the FBI offices. It was larger than their other flats but void of personality, Haley promised she would paint if she got the time. Every wall was a horrible sickly beige that belonged in a care home but Haley seemed set on doing it and Aaron had to agree it was in a great spot. It took a few days to settle in but a big shopping trip later and furniture rearranging later it felt like a home. It still felt weird though, the flats were fairly new but he had probably driven past this neighbourhood as a kid whenever they headed into Quantico. He still ignored if his mother tried to ring but he kept the same phone number just so she could always try, maybe he would pick up one day soon, they only lived minutes down the road if they stayed long enough they would see each other eventually, planned or not. 

As his first day finally came Aaron wasn't sure why he grabbed a suit, he was told it was a fairly informal dress code, especially for the FBI but the need was unmistakable .He didn't know what he was trying to cover up, was it the years old scars that littered his body, the way his stomach stuck out, this body no longer as skinny as it used to be even if other people couldn't see it. Was he hiding the bruises for last night's argument or the scratches he left when he slept, maybe he was hiding from the grey house minutes away or his secret trips to the bathrooms. Aaron didn't care, buttoning up a suit and putting on a tie had always felt like protection and that was definitely what he needed as he stepped out that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this guys. I've been really worried about this chapter for a while, it was always my plan for Haley's mum to have a stoke and it being the driving force to Aaron moving back to Quantico and I've tried my best to do my research but if I've got anything wrong or accidentally been offensive then please tell me and I'll fix it ASAP.   
> Idk why but Gideon had always given off vaguely sexist vibes to me, just in an old straight man way?   
> next chapter we get to meet the team! it is yet to be fully formed but we do get the pleasure of meeting Morgan and 'wonderful young lady' JJ.  
> please comment and critique me!


	13. Hotch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron meets his new team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: ABUSE, PHYSICAL HARM, INJURIES, FOOD RESTRICTION

The office was a hive of activity when Aaron first stepped in, a young agent called Anderson starting to show him around, one of the empty desks already had a pile of files on it, probably paperwork to sign, he had hoped he had done most of it when he first joined Seattle but clearly moving across the country meant resigning everything. Anderson pointed the way to the kitchenette and the bathrooms, before leaving him, promising Gideon would be out of his office soon. Aaron’s eyes glanced around for a familiar face as he followed the smell of coffee and grabbed himself a mug. As he poured himself a mug his brain filled with anxieties, logically he knew that he had got this job fair and square but the feeling of not belonging was deep and suddenly all of his knowledge seemed to have seeped away just leaving him with anxiety and a chipped mug full of cheap coffee. It was busier than Seattle but the kitchen was nearly empty as he slowly found the sugar. As he sat back down at his desk a hand grabbed his shoulder making Aaron finch. It was only for a second but the hand was strong and large. Walters used to constantly grab him by the shoulders but that man walked like an elephant and cheered like a drunk so he knew when to expect it, this hand was firm and its owner had been silent and a stranger. It was barely half a second later when the hand left his shoulder clearly releasing they started Aaron. Even as he twisted to face the man sitting next to him it took a few seconds to process the words spoken to him over the beating of his heart.  
“ Hi, I’m Derek Morgan, nice to meet you”, the guy, large and smiling, didn't stand up as he shook Aarons hand, leaning back on his chair slightly to reach. A choking breath came out of Aaron as he realised it was just someone saying hello.  
He was young, easily 5 years younger than Aaron and fit, definitely the sort of guy to grab people by the shoulders in a friendly way, he had hoped Walters might be his last college with that habit. At least this guy looked nothing like his father.  
“ You're the new guy Gideon brought in right?”  
A small chuckle left Aaron as he nodded, a wide smile forming on Derek's face as let his chair fall back into place.  
“ Yeah I've moved over from the Seattle unit” he was glad his voice didn't show the panic that was still bubbling at the back of his throat.  
Morgan rambled on about the rest of the team and working under the esteemed Jason Gideon as Aaron fought off a panic attack. He wasn't expecting someone to touch him and even though he knew his whole body was covered he felt like everyone could see the bruises and past his façade. The words Morgan spoke slipped through his mind as he tried to not lose himself the idea of someone knowing. Aaron forced himself to breathe trying to ignore the thoughts roaming freely through his brain, how could he work here if a simple shoulder touch could bring him so close to the edge of a panic attack. Slowly he focused back on the world, less fuzzy with panic now and full of relief as he realised Morgan hadn't seen the panic growing within his eyes, or at least didn't take it for anything more than first day worry. 

It was less than 5 minutes later when the main door into the floor opened and a petite lady walked out, Derek waving her over and introducing Aaron.  
“ Hi I’m Agent Jareau, call me JJ, I'm the media liaison” she was small, at least a foot shorter than Aaron, even in her heels. The stake of case files she was carrying landed with a heavy thud on the table as she went to shake Aarons hand. He was glad no one mentioned the way he jumped at the noise, a reassuring smile on JJ’s face. Maybe he hadn't quite fully calmed down yet.  
“ Gideon will probably come down in a bit but he is on the phone, so I doubt it will be soon.” JJ commented before grabbing her files and walking off.  
There was a moment of silence before Morgan burst out laughing.  
“ Dude you nearly jumped out of your skin when those files slammed, you need to relax we don't bite”

It turns out the paperwork on his desk was more stuff to sign, mainly repeats of forms he signed in Seattle, it was astonishing boring work but he had signed up to work for the government, red tape was just part of, luckily Morgan seemed more interested in conversation than whatever paperwork he had.  
Turned out he wasn't the least experienced in profiling, Morgan joining the team about 6 months ago from working with Chicago PD on the explosives team and was working on some obsessive behaviour training. JJ was fully trained in profiling but worked by the media and police mainly and Morgan insisted her quiet look exterior was just for the camera. Her and Morgan train self defence and he never left a class without a bruise. 

Over an hour had passed by the time Gideon left his office, practically running pass. barely stooping to say hello and mentioned sharing work loads until he came back.  
“ Is he...”  
“ Always like that?” Morgan joked, leaning in closer as he spoke.  
“ Yeah he just does his own thing and people put up with it, I mean he has practically adopted this one kid in the FBI and he has photos all over his office”  
Aaron’s face creasing in confusion before Morgan carried on  
“ It’s many families he had helped over the years, its this huge shrine, practically takes up the whole room, mostly kids he has reunited with their parents I think”

******

As the week carried on life felt oddly normal, Haley was spending most of her time looking after Ann, coming home tired and grouchy but it was definitely quieter than Seattle and Morgan seemed to like having someone to chat too. Haley didn’t mention visiting his parents and he had found a route to the brooks that didn't go anywhere near his old house so he forced himself to try and forget about it. 

It was Thursday night when it happened, he had burnt dinner again, he used to be able to cook but he kept forgetting the hob was gas not electric and burning everything. It was almost a routine to throw the charred remains to the bottom of the trash and open all the windows in an attempt to stop Haley noticing. As Aaron started frying the onions for dinner his mind wandered over his day, the sound of the door opening startled him. Haley’s bag fell to the floor as she walked in, over 30 minutes earlier than normal. Her face was tired as he hugged Aaron and started talking about her day. It was only when the fire alarm in the kitchen went off that Aaron remembered the onions he was frying. The shrieking noise filled the apartment as Aaron hurried to dump the onions in the sink, most of them burnt to the bottom of the pan, smoke billowing out of the kitchen and filling his lungs as he opened the windows. There was no hiding the mess he had made, even behind the smoke that filled the room and the choking smell of burning. Finally the alarm stopped and before Aaron could even turn around to apologise Haley was grabbing him. He could feel her hands digging into his wrists as she shouted, his body hitting the door frame and he shut his eyes and tried to block it out. 

“ For fuck’s sake Aaron, can’t you do you ONE.” her hands were on his shirt dragging him back towards the oven.  
“SIMPLE” his back hit the counter as she pushed him and let go.  
“ THING” he stumbled trying to regain his balance, his hand grabbing on to the side next to him.  
This hand burst into pain as his hand wrapped around the stove top as he tried not to fall. Fire ripped through his hand and the hot metal blistered his skin, his reflexes to slow to stop it burning him. As Aaron's scream filled the kitchen it merged with the barrage of insults Haley was yelling, she didn't stop or even slow down as Aaron clutched his hand to his chest begging her.  
He sat holding his hand to his chest, he just tried to block out the words Haley was screaming at him.  
“ WHY THE HELL DO I PUT UP WITH YOU, WHAT THE HELL EVEN IS THIS?” she shouted.  
He felt something wet his face, he opened his eyes as Haley threw the burnt remains out the onion at him. It was wet and cold from the pot soaking in the sink, the burnt smell and the slimy texture made him want to vomit.  
“ Please, I'm sorry” his voice far away from the deep voice others knew, more similar to the voice of a child, his voice cracking as he swallowed down tears he hadn't let fall yet even if his whole body was shaking.  
“ IT'S DISGUSTING”  
Aaron could hear the frying pan clattering to the ground but he didn't even look up, the shock finally taking over him and the tears he had been holding in finally falling.  
He didn't know how long it had been when Aaron dragged himself up and towards the bathroom. He could barely move his hand without electric pain shooting up his arm and his skin was hot from tears.  
Haley was sitting in the living room chatting away to someone over the phone as he walked past, her eyes not even glancing up.  
Aaron stared at his face, the skin red and puffy and his palm which was covered in a huge blister, small ones following up each finger, all of his hand was burning and pink, he dared not touch it as he turned the shower on. 

The cold water ran over his body, soaking his hair and washing the tears away. Exhaustion seemed to rack his body making every muscle ache even as he stood still just staring at his feet. They seemed the only part of his body untouched by the years. Every time the water ran onto his hand the full fiery thud would get worse but he couldn't find the energy to stop it. He tried to wash, get the smell of burning out of his hair and the tears of his skin but there felt little point. Haley would still be mad when he got out of the shower, dinner would still be abandoned in the kitchen and the bruises would still cover his skin, nothing important would have changed.  
It felt like hours later when Aaron stepped out of the shower, the cold no longer relaxing but instead making him shiver, his skin wrinkled and pale. As soon as he started to step out, one leg already over the side, his foot slipped on the wet bathtub, his hand automatically grabbing for the towel rail and bursting into pain before he landed on the floor, the loud clunk of him falling head first to the tile floor. His head pounded as he woke up, the shower still dripping and his heart loud. He could feel a bump forming already on the back of his head as he tried to get up, stumbling to the mirror. Aaron sighed with relief that the realization that nothing was broken and he wasn't bleeding, the world seemed to be spinning slightly but he had definitely felt worse and survived. His head pounded as he got the bandages out from over the sink along with so antiseptic cream and started wrapping up his hand, trying to ignore the pain as the fabric touched the sensitive skin and how much everyone movement hurt the bruises on his back. He tried to ignore how much he was leaning on the sink for balance and quiet how sick he felt. 

The apartment was quiet by the time he left the bathroom and he wished he had grabbed something to change into when Haley was still awake. He just put everything but his boxers in the wash and grabbed all of the blankets in the living room and fell onto the sofa, practically asleep already. 

It was nearly 4 in the morning when he woke up bile rising his throat. He stumbled to the kitchen, knowing the toilet was too far, his head screamed as he stumbled out of the living room. As soon as he stepped into the kitchen his stomach gave up, what little Aaron had in his stomach covering the floor in front of him as Aaron struggled to stay standing. Swilling out his mouth Aaron grabbed the bleach and some rubber gloves, hoping Haley didn't realise he had thrown up on the floor in their new flat. At least the tile was easy to clean. 

Aaron knew he looked a mess when he turned up. He had spent the rest of the night lying on the kitchen floor in case he felt ill again. He had had worse concussions in his life and he knew this one wasn't going to kill him but it still felt like it. He had managed to grab a new shirt and trousers from the ironing but his stomach refused to hold anything so he just grabbed a bottle of water, all the painkillers he could find and some fresh bandages and left early.  
When Morgan sat down next to him and started chatting away about possible weekend plans Aaron had to use all his strength to not shout at him.  
As soon as JJ walked out of Gideon's office and towards them Aaron knew what was coming  
“ Case, meeting in the round table office in 5 minutes”

Her voice was firm but tired, a case on a Friday meant no weekend and everyone knew it. She was holding a few files close to her chest, barely stopping before walking back up the stairs towards the room and setting up.  
He had grabbed a smoke before he walked in this morning but it had done nothing to help his banging head and the exhaustion that racked his body. He made himself a cup of coffee instead hoping he could hold it down. Teenage boys turning up dead in Billings, Montana was a first but would probably be easy enough, there was a clear signature and pattern, boys turning up 36 hours after they disappear and always in women's underwear and mutilated.  
As the plane took off Gideon caught sight of his bandage wrapped around his hand, his eyebrows raised in a silent question  
“ cooking accident last night, it's just a burn” he tried to joke it off but JJ had now noticed it and looked worried, his fingers bound together with the fabric.  
“Looks nasty”  
“ oh no, Haley just worries so she insisted she bandage it up before I left for work” the lie slipped from his tongue without any difficulty, he wasn't even sure if Haley remembered him doing it.

His head still pounded, the painkillers wearing off and the throbbing becoming more and more distracting, his stomach wouldn't settle but he hasn't thrown up since he left so he just sat as close to the toilets as he could and hoped they were empty if he needed them. About an hour in he locked himself in the toilets and bent over the bowl, hoping no one would hear his gags over the engine. The acid burnt his throat and his eyes and the taste didn't leave no matter how much water he drank. When he finally sat back down in his seat Morgan came and sat opposite, all the preparation they could do had finished and both Gideon and JJ were reading.  
“ dude how much did you drink last night?” Morgan spoke, just quiet enough that only the two of them could hear it.  
Aaron had to stop himself glaring at Morgan, who was clearly just trying to cheer him up from what looked like a bad hangover and he didn't have any other excuse for his behaviour so he put on his best smile and chuckled.  
“ I’m going to have a nap now and hope I wake up feeling better” a nap did sound good and it would stop Morgan asking too many questions. 

Aaron ended up spending the day surviving off coffee and cigarettes and visiting dead bodies in the morgues, finding out the causes of death and working out a timeline of what might have happened to them.  
It was nearly 11 by the time everyone collapsed into bed at the hotel nearest the police station. Aaron was nearly asleep when Morgan slipped out of the bathroom into the dark room they shared, his voice filling up the silent room  
“ Night Hotch”  
It took a few seconds to process what Morgan had said before Aaron responded  
“ Hotch?” Aaron was glad Morgan couldn't see the surprised blush that covered his face at the nickname  
“ yeah like Hotch-ner, your surname?” Morgan joked as he climbed into bed, the spring groaning as he got comfy  
“ I know my own surname, just no ones ever called me that before”  
“ I just did”  
Moments after gentle breaths filled up the room and Aaron closed his eyes, trying to not smile at the stupid nickname. 

By the morning he no longer felt constantly queasy but his head still pounded as he walked through the police station and he turned down the bagel one of the offices offered not wanting to throw up in front of everyone. It was early morning when they gave the profile, they knew they were looking for a white man in his 20-30’s, quiet but holding very traditional values, especially towards to the role of men and women, he was shaming these boys for not upholding the values he thought they should, whether they were gay or just kids he thought weren't behaving like men should.  
JJ spent the day running a press conference and calling new channels trying to spread the profile but the problem was they hadn’t yet found out where he was finding his victims so it was vague at best. There were no connections between the boys that they could find, no shared schools or groups or even friends between them as they were from all across the city and out into the countryside. Aaron ended up spending most of the day, trawling through the online presence of each of the victims, looking for any form of connection, at least he didn't have to move, even if the words on the screen seemed to move around after a while. He knew there must be some why the unsub found the victims and once that was found the unsub could be caught.

It was that afternoon when the call that another boy had gone missing came in, 17 year old Jack Simms didn't turn up for football practice and his coach called the family who reported him missing.  
It was the last part of a puzzle. None of the kids had shared a school or any friend groups but all of them had some connection to their schools football team, wherever it was a brother who played, a girlfriend who was a cheerleader or they were in the band and every school had played a football match at Billings Senior High School where Jack Sims had just gone missing. 

Calls were made, all the staff and students looked at until they saw the epitome of their profile. A janitor at that school, who always helped clear up after the games, apparently loved the football team but would rant to anyone who would listen about how children were losing their morals. This name was Samael Robinson, he lived out in the country in his old family home and had plenty of space to hold a victim.  
Aaron was very glad there was backup and he didn't have to shoot, his aim was awful with his right hand and Samael was holding the boy very close to himself. All he could hear was the Unsub screaming about morals and whores and then suddenly the world went dark. 

It was JJ who woke him up, her concerned voice jarring him awake while Morgan and Gideon stood further away looking concerned.  
“ Hotch you passed out, are you feeling ok?”  
“ yeah yeah I'm fine, I think I was just too hot” Aaron murmured, his head resting against a wall.  
“ Aaron don't lie to me, are you eating and drinking?” JJ’s voice was firm and level as she tried to hide her panic from the men.  
Aaron tried to think back to when he last eat a good meal, he had skipped lunch today to carry on going through the web, and and yesterday he felt to ill too keep anything down, Thursday he passed out after his shower s it must've been Thursday lunch, over 55 hours on just police station snacks and coffee. He tried to ignore the look of panic in JJ’s eyes and the look of concern Morgan shot Gideon when he muttered an answer. JJ handed him a breakfast bar as Aaron tried to avoid their eyes, he could feel their eyes burrowing into him as they tried to work out why he had skipped so many meals, in the end he was strangely glad when JJ just insisted he ate a proper meal before anything else tonight and dropped the subject.  
Aaron slowly unwrapped the muesli bar, realising they were in an empty room  
“ Did Robinson give himself up in the end?”  
“ Actually a federal agent fainting was enough of a surprise that he let go of the kid and we grabbed him before he could shoot” Morgan chuckled, trying to hide his amusement at the story,  
the room quickly filled with laughter as they took in the stupidity of the situation. 

He rang Haley that night, over Chinese takeaway and explained they were catching an early plane back and apologized, he had rang her every night to say sorry and had been hung up on as soon as she realised who it was but after a moment of silence Haley just chuckled and told him he was forgiven. 

As the sun rose up and the clouds lifted, Gideon napped on the plane and the 3 younger agents chatted away in the corner, playing a game of whisk.  
“So tell me about this guy Gideon's adopted? You said his name was Spencer?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this, in the next few chapters we will meet out favourite Technical Analyst and resident genius. I love a good bromance between Hotch and Morgan and I always felt like Morgan would be the one to give him the name Hotch. Thank you so much to Laiba_ThePerson and SR910 for commenting so much :)  
> Comment and critique is welcome!


	14. The bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron remembers and tries not to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: NON-CON/ RAPE, DEATH, EXPLOSIONS, CHILD ABUSE, PHYICAL ABUSE, PANIC ATTACKS, NIGHTMARES

Aaron knew he didn't want this, he could hear the sounds of Haley's heavy breathes and smell the alcohol on her. It was late and Haley had alone just got back but it didn't matter how much she swayed Aaron did not move. He wished he could but his body had stopped, even breathing seemed to take effort as Haley warm hands touched him. Her mouth was sloppy for her words harsh and he knew what was expected. He could run, kick her away and leave but he didn't want to fight anymore. Aaron remembered her threats from Seattle, a single bruise on her body was enough that she could ruin his life, it might not succeed in court but the FBI would fire him with or without prosecution if they thought he was abusive. Haley had been drunk then, or maybe that was him, he couldn't remember, all the nights seemed to merge together. Aaron just closed his eyes instead and tried to block off the hands rooming his body or the lips that used to be friendly kissing his neck. 

He thought about work. They had only come back from San Jose less than a month ago yet it felt so long. 

The heat filled the integration rooms of the San Jose FBI office, the dark walls absorbing the sunlight making the rooms stuffy no matter how hard the air conditioning ran.   
It had started as a murder case, people being threatened over the internet and then killed. They had been called in to assist alongside the local FBI cyber unit and were getting closer. The case they were here for wasn’t what was catching Aaron’s attention though, it was the woman that had been brought in that morning for shutting down a huge cosmetics website. 

“ Hotch this is idiotic” Morgan's voice rattled down the halls, his forehead creased at the absurdity of what had been said. 

“ Why? She is moral, no criminal record if we don't prosecute and is one of the best in the business” Aaron signed, rubbing his already raw eyes.   
He knew it was strange but the longer he thought about it the longer he saw the positives, non custodial sentences worked, especially in these sorts of situations. Sure this woman was a criminal but she was morally correct and no one could deny that. 

“ Have you seen the lists of charges against her? It's miles long, no one would sign off on this?”

Footsteps came running down the hall.   
“I have and so has the agent in charge of her case'' Gideon announced as he came walking past.   
They had been hunting for someone like her for months and conventional applicants hadn’t worked, the extra workload slowing down cases and even meaning they had lost an unsub a while back. 

“I think Aaron is right, give her the choice and see if she wants to”

Gideon barely stopped, but he smiled at them and signalled to the door they stood outside, handing him the woman's file before taking off again. 

Morgan's resigned sigh filled the corridor as Hotch walked into the boiling integration room.

“ We’ve got you Ms Garcia” 

Aaron felt his body tugging against his trousers and saw Haley's sloppy grin. He tried to keep his eyes shut and he tried not to listen to the words Haley whispered in his ear.   
“ You said you weren't in the mood”.  
Her tone was light, joking, the way she always spoke when they used to play fight on her parents' coach after school but the grip on his wrists felt intimidating and stronger than it should be. He could leave, he could get her off him but Haley was drunk and if he left she would probably do something stupid in intoxicated furry. 

Aaron wished for anything that would keep his body from reacting but he could feel himself become harder as Haley rubbed her hand over his boxers. His voice strained even though he had been speaking fine all day. Sweat seemed to pool onto the sheets even though Aaron didn't feel hot and the room spun around him in panic. Every faux sweet touch from Haley made his head pound but as she grabbed his head for a kiss Aaron still opened his mouth and let Haley in, maybe it was habit or maybe Aaron was just trying to convince himself he wanted this.   
Aaron racked his mind for something to concentrate on, to ground him so he didn't feel it. He couldn't fight back or everything would go wrong, he couldn't leave the FBI now, they had already lost Gideon. He just needed to concentrate on something else just until Haley stopped. 

The amount of people in the room for the profile was insane, the entire police department was there and a group of bomb specialists from the FBI, alongside the rest of the BAU and some state rangers. The station didn't feel big enough to hold them all but the case was a big one and the media pressure and the even increasing death toll meant they needed as much help as they could get.   
The latest attack had been 3 hours earlier, outside a school, only two found dead at the scene, the smallest death toll yet but a girl was missing and the message was clear. Whoever the unsub was he was taunting them.  
It was mid afternoon when the final bit of the puzzle fell into place and their list of suspects came down to just two, Adrian Bale and Roy Zimmerman. 

They knew there would be a stand off, there always is with a bomber but there was also a time limit, whoever the bomber was they weren't messing around. He didn't know how he and Morgan got to the house first, they knew the Boston police and bomb teams were behind them but they didn't know how far behind. No other cars followed the black SUV’s down the dusty road. They wished they could wait but if this man was the shrapnel bomber and he had already placed a bomb every moment mattered. The house was small, nothing more than a bungalow in a field but it was everything a potential bomber needed.   
Guns blazing Hotch stepped into the house letting his gun lead as he walked from room to room. Their voices echoing through the hallway and into the empty rooms. They found him in the kitchen, holding a gun in shaky hands. The man looked terrified but determined, the fear on his face at the idea of killing someone proved his innocence to being the bomber but the gun in his hand meant he was hiding something. By the time backup turned up they both knew it had been too long, they had stood talking down this man all the while Gideon and the new kid would be facing down the real bomber, hopefully with more backup than them. All Aaron wanted to do was run to the car and drive or at least pick up the phone that had been ringing continuously in his pocket. He tried to ignore the sound of sirens in the background but they were heading towards Gideon, it sounded like ambulances.   
Aaron didn't remember the words he spoke to make the man put down his gun and he didn't remember Morgan arresting him and handing him to the police officers around them but he did remember running towards the car and the choking voice of Garcia as he picked up the phone. 

She had barely been with them a month but Aaron could hear her trying to not cry as he held the phone to his ear. 

“ Reid, somethings happened to Reid and Gideon, the bomb went off”

6 agents and a hostage.   
She was 13 years old and everyone had heard her cries for her mother in the moments before her death.  
It was the bomb squad that went in first, all six dead on impact. There is little that can protect the body from being thrown 30 feet into the air and engulfed in flames even if the metal shards don't burrow through their suits. 

Gideon had seen the joy on Adrian Bale’s face as a little button had slipped into his hand and felt the ground rattle as the team of agents who thought it was safe died. Reid had tried to follow the bomb squad, the kid's shaky legs and lack of confidence saving his life.  
Aaron never saw the body of the girl but the amount of sick bags going around made him glad he hadn't. The smell didn't seem to leave, burning flesh mixed with the bitter smell of explosives and burnt Kevlar. 

By the time Aaron and Morgan turned up the shed was just a smouldering shell and medics were filling ambulances with those who hadn't died. It seemed like every emergency service was there but all Aaron could focus on was the black bags being loaded into the coroners vans.

Nobody had been able to get Gideon to move, he just stood staring as his eyes clouded over, when when the medic checked him his eyes didn't leave the ashes of the building as he just nodded answers to their questions. 

The drive over had been hellish, Garcia had filled them in on what she new but they had no idea what was waiting for them when the turned up and the young man standing next to Aaron rambling about statics didn't help him calm down.

“ Reid can you just shut up for 5 minutes” 

He immediately stopped, his mouth glued shut as Hotch glared at him. His head was bagging and his eyes watering from the ash, just a reminder of how much they had failed today. 

Aaron wished he knew what to say. Gideon was fine physically but as Aaron stood next to him he had never seen the man look so weak. His face was pale and his eyes darted around, following each vehicle that came and went and the people who followed them. The look of panic on Gideon's face when he saw Aaron was agonising. 

“I killed them, it's all my fault”

The voice was practically a whisper but it still seemed to take all of his effort, his voice horse and his whole body shaking. 

It was Aaron's body that was shaking he realised. He didn't know when his breaths had turned into silent sobs but Haley hadn't noticed. She was slow, like she cared about him and he didn't know where it had all gone wrong.   
He wasn't stupid, he knew it wasn't consensual and if it was anyone else he would of left long ago. He would have run away over 5 years ago when that first mug smashed over his head but it was Haley and now matter how scared his body was he couldn't make himself leave. He hated that he was still in love with her but he was.

He remembered her face at the funeral, that was the real Haley, the one who held his hand as tightly as he held hers .He remembered the wind they blew through his coat, chilling him to the bone and the rattle of the trees as Haley wept silent tears. 

It was late September when she died, it was hard enough to survive one stroke but when the second one hit in the early morning it was already too late by the time they noticed. Everyone said it was nice that she died in her sleep but it didn't seem nice at all, no one held her in her last moments because no one knew. Roy was already up when it had happened so no one lay next to her to hear her last breaths or tell her she was loved, no one held her hand or wiped away her tears. They had said she was getting better and she was, the twinkle in her eyes was back and she had started colouring to fill her time, and then one morning she was gone. Her eyes glossed over, a townscape half coloured with promises she would do it later than day. When Roy kissed her goodbye her body was already cold, and the sobs that Haley heard were those of a man who’s heart had been broken.  
Aaron hated that the closest he had felt to his wife in months was standing at her mother's grave trying to ignore the mournful tune being played. They were surrounded by strangers, and he knew everything would think he was just an in-law who didn't matter, but Ann had mattered to him. She had baked him cakes on his birthday and knitted him jumpers that he only liked because she made them, she had mothered him when his mum couldn't and never asked why.   
The casket was heavy and hard looking, the dark mahogany blending into the clouds above and the sodden grass they stood on. It felt like the wind was screaming as they put her body in the ground and he couldn't work out why his tears wouldn't fall. 

It felt like hours later when Haley curled into his body, collapsed next to him. His body seemed covered in sweat and his legs sticking together from cum, his cum. 

He didn't wait for the water to warm up as he stepped into the shower. He knew he had lived through worse, there was barely a bruise on him and it wasn't like Haley held him down much he just laid there and let it happen. The cold water soothed his body, he hadn't realised how much his body ached until the cold water finally relaxed his muscles, the shivers racking through his body. He felt the water pooling at his feet, engulfing his toes in ice cold water and making them numb, no matter how long he stood under the cold water his brain seemed on fire. Every movement seemed to ache, the sort of ache that he used to love, when they used to roll around in bed and Aaron would whisper in her ear and would laugh as he tried to be sexy, now he just wished it would go away. He could feel his heart exploding in his chest and he felt himself falling onto the shower floor, the water hitting the bathtub suddenly deafening and the world spinning. Aaron couldn’t reach to turn it off, his body didn't seem to work anymore except to shake so hard he thought he might die. He knew it would pass like it always did but that did nothing to stop the strangled cries that left his throat as the water warmed around him. 

He thought of Sean.  
Long before Aaron would keel over from a panic attacks he would hear the sobs coming from Sean’s room. He never mentioned it but he was sure Sean could hear his cries as well. He would wake in the early hours to muffled sobs from the nightmares they both suffered. Their dreams filled with pains that were too real and those which their scared brains created. He remembers holding back his own sobs as he heard his dad come into Sean’s room, not wanting to get his fathers drunken wrath. He remembered his fathers voice, always rough from sleep and alcohol and hearing Sean’s muffled cries as he tried to not wake mum. Sean would keep his head down until the black eye had faded or you couldn't see the bruise peeking out of his T-shirt.

Sean claimed he just grew out of the dreams, no longer scared but Aaron would see the teeth marks the covered his hands when he came down for breakfast and he still heard the stifled cries even if his father couldn't. He would hear Sean gulping for air in an empty room when he thought no one was around and he saw the terror in his eyes. He could hear the creaking of his brother's floorboards as he rocked on the ground trying to calm himself down or the feared cries he would try to muffle even if he was alone. Aaron once tried comforting him when he was like that, sneaking into his bedroom early one morning when he heard the moaning. Sean lay in the corner of the room, his eyes panicked and wide and Aaron opened the door to his brother, no older than 12, he held him close and wiped his tears away as they fell. Neither of the boys knew when they woke their father but by the next morning Aaron knew to never do that again, the back of his legs so bruised sitting seemed impossible. 

His father had always been harder on Sean, maybe it was how he bastardised reading or his mouth that seemed to speak before he thought of the consequences or maybe he really was softer on Aaron because he was younger. Aaron knew when Sean started coming home with dull eyes what he was doing, the words he spoke and the punches he threw hurt less when Sean just wasn't in his body to feel them, his eyes glazed over with whatever alcohol or drug he got his hands on. Aaron tried to not think how he got his hands on them but he would still see the teeth marks of Sean's hand.

As Aaron sat in a heap in the bath he wished he had something of whatever Sean used to take, that seemed to dumb his pain well enough. He hadn't noticed how raspy his sobs had become and how Stingley hot the shower had become until he noticed the steam in the air around him.   
He couldn't even remember if he had washed so he slowly got up, turned the shower down low and scrubbed his body clean before dragging himself back into the bedroom, hair still sodden and eyes red. 

*****  
It was a week later when he walked in to find something on the table waiting for him.

He saw Morgan's concerned looks as each day passed, the bags under his eyes growing and he even commented that no one saw him either come or leave anymore as he was spending more and more hours working. Aaron blamed it on taking over Gideon's role and the extra duties but the look on his face meant that no one believed him, and Spencer started spewing information on responsibilities of Aaron's job and how technically he shouldn't actually have a larger workload just a different one, luckily JJ had stopped the Reid before Aaron could. 

The first few nights he couldn't sleep next to Haley, every time he lay down fear started rising in his throat, scared that she might do it again. So instead he spent most of his nights in the living room, watching tv or reading before passing out at some unseemly time and the nightmares beginning.   
They had changed, instead if victims and his father haughting his dreams it was Haley, this time sober and angry, holding him down and screaming at him as they hit him over and over again, showing him how much of a faggot and waste of space he really was. He had lost too many meals to that particular rabbit hole and the screams woke Haley.  
After a few days camping in the living room, his back complaining about the sofa and his head about the lack of sleep, pure exhaustion led to him falling asleep in bed. Nothing changed except now he moved to the living room when Haley kicked him out for screaming in her ear. After nearly two weeks of waking up screaming, either in bed or on the sofa, Aaron was surprised when he slept through a night, and then another and another. The dreams still haunted him but now silent, if you ignored Aarons whispered curses as he tended to where he had bitten his hand hard enough to bleed.

He could hear Haley in the kitchen, the radio playing quietly and something cooking as he walked in from work later than he should have. Aaron picked the thing on the table up, it was only small, Aaron easily holding it in one hand. It took a moment to realise what the white piece of plastic was and what the lines meant, he didn't even notice Haley creeping up behind him and hugging him   
“ we are going to have a baby!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank for reading this! finally we have got our favs together! he will be seeing a lot more of Garcia and of course Reid as the story continues but you will definitely see unsubs you recognise now and cannon adjacent stories.   
> Thank you so much to everyone for commenting and especially to Unionjackpillow , thescribblerdragon and RubiconFiction :)  
> Comment and critique is welcome!


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